Reaching for the extraordinary
The Monday night Emotional Sobriety men’s group is deep into Step 2 now, having dug into the paragraphs about the roadblocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance and taken a look at where I can become the bewildered one and the drifter, especially with time in recovery. (For more on this, have a look at some of the posts I wrote last year when the Thursday night group was in Step 2, What is Blocking Me? , The Bewilderbeast, and The Drifter). Last Monday, we looked at the first paragraph on page 29 of “The 12 & 12″:
As material success founded on no more than these ordinary attributes began to come to us, we felt we were winning at the game of life. This was exhilarating, and it made us happy. Why should we be bothered with theological abstractions and religious duties, or with the state of our souls here or hereafter? The here and now was good enough for us. The will to win would carry us through. But then alcohol began to have its way with us. Finally, when all our score cards read ‘zero,’ and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith. It was in A.A. that we rediscovered it. And so can you.
And so can you. Sometimes I get the thought that this A.A. thing is working for everyone else, but not for me. I’m different, don’t you know! It’s exactly that attitude that separates me from other alcoholics and from the solution. But this says, so can you. Each time I drift into indifference, become bewildered, prejudiced or defiant, I have yet another opportunity to discover my lost faith.
The previous paragraph helped me to see that I have gone through life in this overconfident state of believing that certain values such as being honest, tolerant, just, ambitious and hardworking would be enough to carry me through. They called these values simple rules of fair play. Now this current paragraph refers to these simple rules as ordinary attributes. Ordinary? Wait, I thought I was different!
Material success has always been important to me and this paragraph was a real eye opener in helping me to see that my drive for material success has been, and still can be, founded on nothing more than ordinary attributes. My father really did talk about all of these values as being important. He lived his life by them and did his best to instill them in me. Of course, he was not an alcoholic. He didn’t need something beyond the ordinary, but I do.
Throughout my recovery, I have still attempted to base my material success on these ordinary attributes. It’s exhilarating at times to chase after something that promises to bring the reward of money. Rather than theological abstractions or religious duties, I often don’t want to be bothered with spiritual matters and my A.A. duties. Just give me the money and I’ll be okay! The will to win will carry me through.
But my new character continues to be built today as result of a living application of the 12 Steps and my reliance on a Power greater than me that I choose to call God. My scorecard reading ‘zero’ is a representation of hitting bottom once again. However, I make choices to raise the bottom now so it will hit me and I don’t have to go so deep. As soon as I’m there, I rediscover my faith in the A.A. program and a Power one more time. And the answers come.
Just yesterday, I was faced with a dilemma, a choice between two prospects for work. One clearly represented my old character and material success. It is a big, high-profile project, the kind that has always fed my ego in the past. It even has lots of nice people working on it, people I like spending time with. But it also would take me out of state and out of the country for 6 months, away from Michelle, my kids, my friends, my meetings – my life that I have worked so hard to build.
The second project is smaller, less visible and will bring in about 1/3 of the money. But it is also in Los Angeles, my hometown. I will get to be with the people I love and care about and even sleep in my own bed. It finishes in time for me to spend some summer vacation with my kids. The benefits are too numerous to list in a blog post. This job is a representation of the desires of my new character, the one who wants balance and healthy relationships. This is the obvious choice for the new life I am building and has shown up as a direct result of my desires to have that life.
Yet, as obvious as it is, my old patterned behavior is hard to break. On auto-pilot I am drawn to the money and blinded to the big picture taking the first job would mean. The amazing gift I have today is this wisdom to know the difference between this old character and the new character which is based on spiritual principles and backed by a Power greater than me, a Power which has brought me these two choices to begin with so that I may have an opportunity to grow.
With my scorecard reading ‘zero’ on the ability to make this crucial decision, I called another alcoholic, someone who I respect who I know is also on this spiritual path. As always in these situations, I need another alcoholic to expose my struggle too so that he can help me to find the truth within myself, not make the decision for me. He reminded me that this life is not about me anymore and asked me one simple question: Where will you be of the most service to others?
The choice was clear in an instant. It was in A.A. that I rediscovered the faith I had lost only hours before. I’m going with the smaller project and relying on a Power greater than me that allows me to live a life that is truly extraordinary.
John, that was a great read, thanks for sharing your insight on the paragraph. I’m glad you will be around this year and right now.
I’ve struggled with material success and lately making money is not happening for me, my mind tells me everyone else is getting it and I am not. But I have gone through times of material success and experienced this paragraph as I pushed aside spiritual things and AA duties etc.
Not sure where my faith is today but glad you wrote about this paragraph, thanks!
Joe
The meeting really helped me to see how far off the beam I can get and how to get back on. This paragraph has been great for me this week. John and Joe thanks for the words.
“As material success founded upon no more than these ordinary attributes began to come to us, we felt we were winning at the game of life. This was exhilarating, and it made us happy.”
I have spent so much of my life working against materialism only in sobriety to find myself drowning in it. It does not work. When it does it is only fleeting, the feelings of discomfort, discontent and dissatisfaction always settling back in as my default. The happiness only lasts for a moment and then I am left feeling foolish and guilty for having actually believed something other than God could fill the vacuous-void in my soul.
“This was exhilarating, and it made us happy. Why should we be bothered with theological abstractions and religious duties, or with the state of our
Souls here or hereafter? The here and now was good enough for us. The will to win would carry us through.”
I find myself not willing to do any work toward maintaining a relationship of constant contact with my Higher Power. The desire to be near God and in connection is so great but I only seem to want to do the flashy outward sort of manifestation of spirituality. I am so humbled to write this and actually believe it today. I confess for years I have had a condescending view of my spirituality. I believed I was chosen for some specific purpose which has not materialized in my perception and hence the doubt and loss of my faith or drive to achieve anything.
I have deflected my shortcomings as referenced coming up in step 2 by judging the Church of my youth and the hypocrisy there. Actually I am the hypocrite. I have truly believed that my good intentions without any substance or discipline to build a strong and deep spiritual life would be enough to carry me through.
I am learning more about how untrue this is everyday when circumstances don’t go my way or people don’t behave in a way that I think they should that I step deep into alcoholism. Self talk, judgment, irritation, anger and discontent flood my moment.
When this happens there is no here and now. I live in a toxic world that should have or could have been IF ONLY everyone would listen to me. In this moment gratitude for all the material blessing leaves me and I begin regressing into my default behavior drifting into indifference and hatred which leads me to want material or tangible stuff to feel successful.
“But then alcohol [ISM) began to have its way with us. Finally, when all our score cards read ‘zero,’ and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith.”
It is when this happens that I embrace alcoholism and reject recovery. When I decide I am not to be bothered with “theological abstractions and religious duties” I embrace the present with resentment and anger that it has not turned out my way and immediately lose my connection to God. It is the same as the dangerous resting on my laurels mentioned in the big book. I have to live this life with these principles or I am robbed of any benefit.
It is astounding to me how often I blow it and need to rediscover my faith and determination to live humbly as a man in progress who is not perfect. When I can remember that I am not perfect, that I will blow it, then there is always a chance to come back if I ask God to make me willing. Faith in the program and a higher power is always available to me WHEN I reach to the literature to remind myself of the true nature of my malady, WHEN I reach to another alcoholic the hand of God can be revealed to me whether I make contact or not. Some times I feel Gods hand touch my life in the simple act of leaving a truthful and transparent message identifying myself as an alcoholic in need. Other times the voice on the other end of the phone becomes the voice of God. Sometimes I get nothing from the calls but a sense of satisfaction in knowing that I am changing by simply making the calls and not sitting alone with a toxic mass swirling in my brain. It is in these ways that I learn to look for my lost faith.
“Finally, when all our score cards read ‘zero,’ and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith. It was in A.A, that we rediscovered it. And so can you.”
My score card is a problem for me. My expectation gets me in trouble. When my expectation is not met the seething cauldron between my ears begins to agitate. Once it is swirling I am at ground zero in the grips of my dissatisfied, judgmental mind. It truly does feel like the end of the world to me.
Once I slip into the negative diseased thinking I can no longer see my life for what it truly is, a balance of positive and negatives. My mind locks into my inadequacies and makes it impossible for me to see the good that preceded it or the good that is available to me through living “theological abstractions and religious duties”.
When I treat my spiritual life with as much dedication and focus that I did with alcohol and drugs my life and perspective will change. This program has proven that. This program has also proven that the application of these principles and lifestyle is impossible for me alone and unaided. That is the problem with my predatory mind, it is always trying to cut me out of the herd like the wounded in-firmed being that I am. The will to win will not work unless (1. I believe I am incapable of achieving these changes on my own. (2. I reach to a group with honesty. and (3. Begin to build a new character with the same diligence that I pursued the lifestyle that warped my mind and perception.
These things can only happen for me when I get to a bottom where hope does not seem possible and the light and truth of this program of recovery and character building has penetrated the callous armor my drinking and using has built. Faith for me means that a glimmer of hope exists for me as I see others living diligently the life I desire. Not desire for stuff and things. The desire for serenity, wisdom, awareness of my faults acceptance of who I am at a given moment with a hope for change.
Sadly the reality that these changes can and will revert and easily dissipate back into my default behavior when I choose not to make building a new character the number one priority in my life is a reality I face every day. Again the reality of the score card.
I tend to think once I have scored some high points in certain behaviors that my statistics for that particular action or season will now be the norm.Unfortunately that is not so true for me. It just means I need to be in this for the long haul, progress not perfection, this is not a soft or easy way. For me it is truly the only way to live if I want emotional sobriety for myself and others I care deeply about because I am responsible and my behavior directly effects those who love and work with me.
Knowing all of this means nothing without guys like you in my life who pass on their experience and the impact the program has on them. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
John,
Thank you for your words this week and for this website. I am excited to be a part of Monday and Thursday nights – what a community you have put together. Your words have helped during my travels and I appreciate your insight into our language of recovery. Thanks again, Chris F.
Wow, great posts and responses.
If you thought the others were long , this is going to be really long.
So much for me to digest, from April’s insights from the last post where I identified with her bottom to reading the old blog posts you mention above , John, to Korey’s response. All of which I can relate to today. Ordinary attributes. I never ever contemplated that. I never contemplated indifference and not-feeling as another addiction. I thought it was protection, survival. But shutting down and shutting off isn’t protecting yourself- isn’t the answer. I have been getting away with that. It was my response to trauma. And sometimes I have denounced myself for not being able to feel. For turning off my feelings towards certain people. I think that I consciously decide to do that. I’ve been writing alot since reading all this – . One really large insight as to what ALL of this is about, finding this blog, and what happened almost a year ago when I started to lose my way. How I set myself up for a fall. Didn’t drink, but allowed doubt in. Felt like I knew absolutely nothing about my spiritual path but was pretending in meetings. Stopped relying on God. Made a huge, gigantic muddle in my mind. Talk about bewilderbeast. Entered into a traumatic battle with a non alcoholic friend who wanted to come to Big Book meetings and then told me that AA would not help me progress spiritually. This was in the middle of me being irritable, restless, and discontented so she was right that there was something wrong with me. Arguments over words escalated into me being belligerent, self seeking, arrogant — all of the above. Spiritual pride was the worst. I felt attacked to the very core of my being. Imagine two friends in a raging fight about spirituality. It’s pretty ludicrous. I had prayed to God to show me my shortcomings so I could understand them. Wow. Sure did deliver every negative ego manifestation in spades.
Finally asked help from AA friend to be my sponsor. She explained about co dependence, boundaries. Found this blog. Embarked on reading more spiritual books, writing etc.. Life is good, thank you God, relationships good, creative work, lots of it. Many moments of Peace and joy and gratitude.
So I read in last Post about identifying shortcomings before you embark on a 4th step. And that is exactly what I have been doing with the help of this blog, finally coming to some understanding of my sober alcoholic personality. I had a really hard time understanding how to do 4th step from big Book because I did it 5 years after I got sober, with a counselor who was treating me but with kid gloves because I was still in trauma because of my partner’s suicide but I didn’t know it and then I did it again but found it hard to start with resentments.
So now I will backtrack. I got sober with my boyfriend in AA. 11 years ago. After 7 months he drank again and after 5 years of on and off the wagon he shot himself. I stopped going to AA when he started drinking and I just changed my addiction to saving him. Life was much better when I quit- now I understand – that was because of ordinary attributes and I would add creativity to the list. I finally had the guts to write. When he killed himself that was my bottom because I had been in total denial and a total codependent alanon- control freak. I didn’t know where he stopped and I began. I can’t fix this. In grief, despair, pain, blame, shame, was forced to admit my powerlessness and reached out for help to everyone and embarked on a spiritual path because I had absolutely no choice and went back to AA and counseling, took time off of paid work so I could wander around in the woods and bird watch and take pictures and heal even if I went into debt- did Artists Way. Took an historical play I wrote about a migration of a group of Gaels from here to New Zealand… to New Zealand with my theatre company to perform for the descendents which was my dream come true. At the end of the first year I began to write a play based on me and my partner, and his alcoholism, her love addiction and the community and the tragic but uplifting end that included the beginning of her recovery. I worked on it sporadically for 4 years and full time the last 8 months with no income. At every step of the way I was helped. I was helped when I did nothing to help myself, I got accepted into writers colonies, got grants, the actress in a workshop had a theatre company and offered to produce it – got the perfect dramaturges, director, the perfect actors, designers. I both wanted it to happen more than anything and I also dreaded it, not only pain of writing it and having to live in my past relationship but dreaded not doing a good job. So for the first time in my life I didn’t even pay attention to grant announcements because I really for the first time in my life left it up to God because if it didn’t happen I was off the hook. But everything kept happening in its own time- not mine- and I marveled about the program of AA as I was able to practice it. I wanted it to help people- I wanted people to laugh, be moved and understand. I was writing it for the right reasons. It was the first modern day play I had written that was totally personal and included alcoholism. I started to look at my life as before play and after play. It became the only thing I wanted in life. As long as this play gets done. And of course, I wanted recognition as a good writer. All along I felt a miracle – because I felt like God was carrying me- had been since the suicide, in between the moments of dread and pain, there was great joy in writing and co creating with God and huge amounts of ordinary attributes- hard work etc..
But- what I said was – “as long as you carry me through this God, it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards.” I was deal making with God. My old self. And I didn’t realize God had been carrying me my whole life. So it was a success. People were moved- people traveled from home to see it, critics loved it. People came up to me to tell me how much they identified. I felt God’s joy, love, and compassion in every single moment of every single performance.
So then afterwards. This past summer- crash. I knew it would happen but why? The last two days reading this and allowing myself to write here I know why. I thought that God was doing me some sort of favour by carrying me. That it was too much to ask that he carry me for the rest of my life. That if I just trusted to His will and do the work everything in my life will continue to manifest in surprising and beautiful ways. Instead I just said. “Okay God, thanks. I’ll get off here and I’ll handle it from here on in. Sorry to have bothered you. I didn’t mean to take up too much of your time. I will take care of me now because maybe I am not worth it on my own without a play, without a product, something to show. That was probably the peak of my life so I’ll just struggle through the rest of it as best I can because nothing else will probably match that.” I abandoned the play and God. As though it is up to me to tell God what to do and he will do it!!!!. I didn’t send it out to Artistic directors etc.. Like I was supposed to. Yes, I needed a break. But the reason the play stopped is because I stopped doing any work and leaving the result to God. What ego, what arrogance, self destructiveness. For 5 years I have this great gift that everything falls into place and then I told God to get lost after getting the biggest gift of my life of his love and compassion which I could have continued to apply. No wonder I crashed and every character defect ego attribute manifested itself. I also promised myself after the play I will deal with any left over trauma. So here we are. It’s a gift. It’s a gift that I now know what happened.
When I found myself this January with no work or income ahead of me, I planned a trip to New Zealand. It took the place of the empty future full of economic insecurity that we aren’t supposed to think about. I contacted friends there. Read guidebooks. When I wanted to be in the now I put myself in the ocean at a New Zealand Beach 4 months after my partners suicide when I had gotten a bittersweet dream come true and I said, “I am totally free in this moment, all possibilities are ahead of me, everything will be okay, thank you God.” It worked. All anxiety about the future disappeared. So on a daily basis now, if I begin to obsess about the future or the past I say, “I’m going to New Zealand” and I put myself in that moment.
And ….. work appeared. And … a few weeks ago a museum wants to pay to use the audio of my play about the migration to New Zealand as part of their new display. Ha ha ha !!!!
Thank you John, if you are still here. Your decision about your job helped me. I got a material world offer yesterday that I thought I shouldn’t turn down because I would jinx myself. I sure am glad you are writing and everyone else too.
Thanks,
Bev
I just realised that one of the topics is materialism and Now that I have thought more I am contemplating materialism as more than just money and things. It is accomplishments, even if I have convinced myself there was a spiritual aspect to the process . How does the spiritual become material? Noticing how much of a high diving act was I doing – old character- thrills and danger- in my work– then the word balance hit me, personal relationships, etc. and how I think that I need to realise that although my work can have a spiritual connection, that is only one aspect of my life where my Higher Power operates and quite often I will only focus on that one aspect because it is – well, intoxicating. So was it really spiritual or material? Combination. Back to giving thanks to God again.
Great share John! I am reading it and thinking “I’d take the money” so I obviously have a long way to go. But today I can recognize that and maybe would not “take the money”. Through this program, I have identified that my relationship with money is that of worship and that will always block me from God. I also know I lack the power to change that on my own. So, as pathetic as it sounds, I need to ask God for a new experience and relationship with money. In doing so, I have actively acknowledged God is greater than me and money….that’s a good start.
I heard at a meeting recently that in the vast majority of cases, money and women are what take men out of the program. I need to ask my God for a new perspective on both and I believe I will continue to be granted that daily repreive! Who knows John, maybe I’ll have the opportunity to choose $.33 over $1.00 because it is the right thing to do. I’ll keep coming. Again, great share!
Tom Q