The hoop is a lot wider than you think!
Today I’m bouncing back to Step 2 and looking at a paragraph that the Emotional Sobriety men’s group discussed several weeks ago, but one that I feel needs another look. This paragraph comes on the heels of my Savage State of Mind post and offers simple and practical applications that can help me come to believe and get me back on track.
The first paragraph on page 26 in the “12&12″ states:
At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs. This the newcomer thinks, is just about the last straw. This is the beginning of the end. And so it is: the beginning of the end of his old life, and the beginning of his emergence into a new one. His sponsor probably says, “Take it easy. The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think. At least I’ve found it so. So did a friend of mine who was a one-time vice-president of the American Atheist Society, but he got through with room to spare.”
The previous paragraph on the savage state of mind ended with a question: must I renounce all this to save myself? And now comes the solution, the escape from my savage mind and promises of a better life if I am willing to renounce. The recognition of my savage state of mind is essential for bringing me to this point, this juncture.
Once I am aware of my alcoholism, in a moment, I am at a crossroads. At this juncture I have a choice to go down the old path I’ve always gone down, or enter into a new life. This is a great definition of surrender, the end of the old and the beginning of the new, the letting go of all I think I know for a brand new experience. But doing in this on my own can be challenging because I have trouble seeing myself. That’s why I need a sponsor and A.A. friends. They can relate to my struggles and they don’t have the emotional attachment to them. That’s why they can laugh and say, “take it easy.”
The laughter is not at me, it’s with me. The laughter is because they have been there before and crossed through to the other side. Laughter is a principle, meaning no matter who applies it, we all get the same result. It’s universal. It changes the energy from the dark to the light, right now. It widens the hoop.
Coming to believe was a tiny little hoop for me. My childhood faith came into question when I was in high school and was destroyed when my father passed away when I was 18. I wasn’t the vice-president of the American Atheist Society, but my disbelief was about the same. Years of running on self-will and lots of self-righteousness when it came to religion helped me down the path of self-destruction.
I came into A.A. angry at God, and actually ran out the door at one of my first meetings because some guy tried to tell me that it was a spiritual program. Fortunately, the hoop was a lot wider than I thought. I even tried to run my own program in untreated alcoholism without a sponsor for 9 months and got to see how ugly that was. I was at a juncture by circumstance, a chance to experience the end of the old and the beginning of the new. I had nowhere else to go. I had to come to believe. The more I tried, the wider the hoop got.
Today, I have to squeeze through hoops all the time. The hoops are called struggles, struggles in relationships, struggles at work, struggles with family, struggles with friends, struggles with money. And that’s what I often try to do at first, squeeze. My old character is on auto-pilot. But I am building a new character based on spiritual principles in the 12 Steps and this new character has an awareness that there is an old life and a new life.
The new character has learned by repeated behavior how to widen the hoop and it all starts with the awareness that I am acting in old behavior. At this juncture, I can pick up the phone and call my sponsor. The hoop widens. I can call another alcoholic. The hoop widens. I can pause, get quiet, try talking to a Power other than me. The hoop widens. I can take out my journal and start writing about my struggle. The hoop widens. I can make a gratitude list instead of focussing on everything that is wrong in my life and the world. The hoop widens. I can go to a meeting. The hoop widens. I can laugh.
Check out some of my older posts on this paragraph: Widen the Hoop , Begin the New , The Principle of Laughter , and This Juncture
John, thanks for another great post.
. I did enjoy seeing the hoop widen, and I’m going to take that as your point. The hoop I need to jump through (on a daily basis) is not tiny, nor is it a flaming obstruction…it’s more like skipping rope. It’s not difficult, your friends are setting the cadence, and you just (just?) join in and eventually take your turn at holding one of the rope-ends…keeping to a successful cadence and bringing others into the field.
I enjoyed the “hoop” metaphor, but I hesitate thinking about (focusing on?) the hoops I need to (or should be) jumping through. Seems a bit out of my control
Okay, I’ve just gone through the usual process where the passage is posted. I try and understand the message, that night something happens directly related to it, fact of life now, and a few days later I get some kind of a grasp on it. Hoop. Since I have a visual mind it takes awhile to get rid of pictures of flaming hoops and lions leaping through. The other night after the first night of a rehearsal of a play I was directing, community theatre, a friend I hadn’t seen in 20 years who had just returned home from Out West to do creative things and who I had cast in the play flew into me because of something I had said to him during our first rehearsal. Rehearsal was fun and enjoyable untill I had had to tell him to stop giving suggestions to the other actor. I always feel awkward doing that and never feel i do it well but when i explain why most get it. I knew he hadn’t liked it but this was a person whose friendship had always been based on humour so I didn’t expect the reaction I later got. I was really shocked by the hostility I felt coming from him. I reacted the way i always do when unexpected anger is released at me- Savage mind! Fear! Defend! Major threat! He must be right! I must have done something bad! Guilt! I did something bad and I can’t remember what. Shame! And then- Anger at myself because I still can’t control my reactions to anger directed at me. So I started to defend myself and nerves flaming moved around to pick up papers to keep myself from talking so he could “have his say.” God must have spoken through him because he said, “Sit down and stop moving around and listen to me.” Even though it was an angry demand and usually I definately would NOT do what someone treating me badly asked me to do, I did the opposite of what my self will wanted. I sat down and as soon as I sat down I felt calmer, less attached to the fear. As he continued I was able to observe , I think this is abuse, manipulation, this is nasty, this is way out of proportion to what just happened. Could this be untreated alcoholic behavior? I felt bad because I had never seen this side of this person before and we had spent months in the old days in the Highlands treeplanting together, rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter. I also knew I was going to give him another chance because being in the play could be such a tremendous experience, even though my guts were saying it might be a disaster. He kept trying to pass the script to me , I should quit , we aren’t going to be able to work together. I said I didn’t see why not. I’m able to work well with most. Then I thought humour, connect to his humour and I looked at him and felt humourous and friendly, then he smiled. We talked some more and agreed to communicate. Usually what would happen next is that I would live in fear of another confrontation. Now I know I can survive if it happens and just get someone else and what will be will be. I talked this through with my sponsor the next night. Because I often don’t know what abuse is. Because I feel powerless over my emotions and frozen when attacked verbally by an abusive person. Because i always think i’ve done something wrong. And it is normal for me to excuse a Jeckyll and Hyde personality. And the reverse. Because of my alcoholic past – someone savagely attacking me used to mean I drove them to it through my behavior. Will I ever be in a serene enough state so that when i see someone coming at me in hostile mode I won’t fill with fear? But then I remembered God speaking through him. The moment I left the old person standing with the hoop tightening while the new surrendered- went through hoop- and sat down against my self will. The moment when I felt humour. When I felt the desire to connect to his humanity, give him the chance to have a wonderful creative experience. The fear dissolving. THAT WAS WIDENING THE HOOP! Progress. And in other aspects of my work as a playwright, good things have come in the last day, unexpected , from totally unforeseen directions. Does that mean when you widen the hoop on one thing- event- it makes room for more?
Today I came up with my concept of the hoop as fear tightening around my heart.
Lions have big hearts don’t they?
DAVE – So true. I love the jumping rope and successful cadence image. I can’t focus on the hoops either. I only have the ability to see one when it is right in front of me, a pinhole or in flames. That’s when I get to make a decision to have God widen it for me or stay stuck right where I am.
BEV – Wow! Great story and example of widening the hoop! I loved going on the journey with you, a reminder to me of the power of our own personal experiences in recovery and how much we help each other by sharing the struggle AND the solution. You also demonstrated the “listening” principle from Step 1 which comes up again in the paragraph I am writing about today as well as another one we were discussing in our meeting last week. It is incredible when we pause and listen, with God, how much we actually hear. We begin to hear the unheard, the words behind the words, and see the truth about the moment we are experiencing. Thanks so much for sharing your story! Keep it coming!
You speak a lot of the “crossroads.” It’s funny you should say that. I would like to share a powerful recovery dream I had of the “Crossroads.”
Also, you stated:
“Coming to believe was a tiny little hoop for me. My childhood faith came into question when I was in high school and was destroyed when my father passed away when I was 18.”
My father too died when I was 18, and this too for me was when everything changed…
I like that you speak in metaphor. Get a hold of me and support my blog:
http://not2bforgot10.wordpress.com/
Thank you!
EMILY – Thanks for your support! I will check out your blog too! Best, John W.