Give it to God
In my last post on Pride, I mentioned that some members of our group felt pride could be a good thing and were struggling with the idea that it was so destructive. After reading all of your great comments on the pride topic, I felt the need to post a part 2 of sorts, especially after reading Bev B.’s comments where she addressed the positive side of pride:
“After finding only one positive definition of Pride- self respect- in a sea of “exalting oneself above others, superior”, definitions .. it seems a pretty dicey business full of fine lines to get at that “good pride” so maybe going for self acceptance and humility is a better bet rather than trying to “justify ” pride.”
You hit the nail on the head Bev! When this confusion over pride came up at the Emotional Sobriety meeting last week, I read two paragraphs from Step 10 that have always helped me with the proper use of pride. It starts on Page 91, last paragraph and continues with the first paragraph on page 92:
“Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.
Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against ‘big-shot-ism’ we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more his success than ours.”
The forward of the “12&12″ states that A.A.’s 12 Steps are a group of principles, meaning that they are all connected. I often find that connecting the dots from one paragraph to another, whether it’s in the same Step or another one, helps me to have a deeper understanding of the principles.
This first paragraph from Step 10 describes me when I am acting in pride. I don’t know how to handle good fortune or even compliments for that matter. The problem is, once I get some, I want some more. Hmmm, sounds like alcohol and drugs. I love the description that I am blinded by prideful self-confidence. Pride does not allow me to see myself. Pride is a total lack of humility.
The second paragraph offers a simple solution of what to do with pride: Give it to God. At the meeting, I shared a story about how these two paragraphs became a part of my life. The only way these truths become a part of me instead of words in a book is when I touch them to a moment in my life in the day that I’m in. Most of the time, I need the help of another alcoholic to do this.
When I was ten months sober, I used to attend a big Sunday morning meeting in Hollywood with Michelle. It was a speaker meeting and the main speaker was always someone with over ten years of sobriety and oftentimes circuit speakers made appearances here. The first half of the meeting featured a speaker with less time, usually a member of the group. As we walked into the room that day, the secretary asked me if I wanted to be the first speaker. No! was my first reaction. There was usually 200-300 people there. And this was Hollywood! Rock stars and tattoos. I reluctantly gave in.
I don’t know what I said. I remember telling my story a little, then talking about my short but challenging journey in recovery so far. Afterwards, there was a huge line of people thanking me for my words. This was amazing! I was high as a kite on the complements. I floated out of the room. The rest of the day was amazing. The So Cal sky had never been bluer and I know that for a fact because that is exactly where my head was.
I called my sponsor and told him what had happened. He could hear the excitement in my voice and he asked me a simple question.
“Did you remember to thank God?”
God? What does God have to do with this, I thought. I told him no. He told me that pride was a dangerous place for an alcoholic to go and that when people thanked me, the best thing to do with that gratitude was to give it straight to God.
“They thank you, you thank God.”
Bummer. What about me? The wind was gone out of my sails for the rest of the day.
The next morning, I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a truck, or more appropriately, like I was hungover. This emotional hangover had come from an excess of pride in my own accomplishment. I called my sponsor again and he took me to these two paragraphs in Step 10 so that I could see through this specific experience how I had been blind-sided by pride.
Along with the truth about how pride worked in me as an alcoholic was a simple solution: Give it to God – any success I may be having is far more His success than mine. Practicing this principle of turning my success over to God requires what Bill W. refers to as exercising special vigilance. I have to keep a close eye on this pride thing, to monitor it with caution and each time I recognize it, give it to God.
BINGO AGAIN!!! Thanks John and Bev for sparking this and for the book references. There I am laid wide open between the pages. Pride has been blinding me in the work arena, my head has been in clouds over how well my career has gone. I only involve God a little, pride takes over when things go well and deep depression and pure cannibalistic alcoholism eats me from the inside out when things begin to careen out of control.
Today was a day so full of difficulty that I could not wait for it to end. It did and things became even more difficult at home. Oddly though I had worked so hard at surrendering the work pain and difficulties that when the home front acted up it was like God had his hand on my tongue, because nothing came out and I listened to my wife as she unloaded on me. No defense, no “you don’t understand the day I had today.” Just pure listening and conviction on some ways my words had agitated her yesterday. WOW
I am so grateful to have read about this after being blessed with the awareness that this was what was making my life rough today. I had the expectation and pride that this day was going to go well and it did not. It crushed me for awhile. I made some calls at lunch and then sat silent for ten minutes at lunch in a car and asked God to be with me and keep me in the day. Not projecting the future of fear of being fired or being a failure and not living in the past when similar scenarios had gone so well. I just wanted to be be where I was today and address those issues and it happened. I am still in in this day waiting to listen to my wife tell me more that I do that hurts and agitates her so I can be aware of my issues. Pretty cool stuff. Miss you!
KOREY – Miss you too! Amazing how warped our instincts are and how interconnected. Security, sex, society. We touch one and they all get triggered. I love your demonstration of quieting the storm but sitting silent in a car at lunch. I find that when I’m in the midst of a storm, the only way I can even begin to get reconnected to God is to find the stillness by stepping away from everyone, by stopping all my activities. I hope your work schedule allows you time to come see us soon!
Thank you thank you John for the connection to the 10th step paragraph- never seeing that mention- self confident pride- ah, so that feeling is Pride, too. And I connected the dots to savage as well. And a practice! Give it to God! I come from a rather isolated place (in urban terms) with small home group half hour away and all the rest an hour and we’ve only ever done the 12 and 12 – one step chapter per meeting or BIG BOOK in chapters. I knew that I needed more depth of understanding to my program- to be honest- floundering- no sponsor- started searching for more spiritual help- and – having no idea there were any sobriety blogs at all- only speaker sites where I started finding out about emotional sobriety issues – I googled emotional sobriety and got your blog which is linked to exactly the kind of meeting I was looking for. Had to laugh about one being a mens meeting and of all places LA the States. As urban people get odd stereotypes about rural places, we get them in turn about urban but amazingly universal in regards to alcoholism. AND With some other people who do freelance creative work and that is something i never hear people speak about- job ends what next – it is just the icing on the cake. I’d never find a meeting like that unless I’d move to a really large urban centre so I thank God for the Internet. I’m going to try and bring some aspect of this to my group. Don’t know if it would be possible to do- we’ll see. Your writing and all the others on here is much appreciated.
Bev
Cape Breton Island
This performance is a big deal to me and my recovery. I heard KC talk about these paragraphs a while back and how he used it. It makes a lot of sense to me to give all the credit to God for all things in my life and especially any talent I may have or something I might say that helps someone. Anytime I speak at a meeting I ask God for the words and thanks him and pray someone might be helped after. I must be especially vigilant not only for pride but false pride, it wait in the wings for me with a lot of negative dialogue, fueling my ego.
BEV – It is truly amazing that we can all be connected through the internet and our common experiences in recovery. I am grateful that you found my blog and can be a part of our group from so far away. It is funny how stereotypes are perpetuated. LA has a huge sober community with thousands of meetings every day. There is so much to choose from that if you don’t like one meeting you can just find another one. I have gotten a taste of small town meetings in the places I’ve travelled to and the reality is, even our meetings become small town-like in the fact that I see all the same people in all the meetings close to my home.
Our two meetings are actually quite small by LA standards. The Men’s meeting usually has 10-12 guys per week and the co-ed meeting gets anywhere from 15-35. They are new and growing slowly. This type of format is still on the fringe as many people continue to struggle in meetings which focus on drunk-a-logues. Other Step study meetings here are like the ones you have, one chapter at a time. I am grateful to have been introduced to the in-depth format by my former sponsor who used to have a couple of meetings like this during the earlier years of my recovery, but has since gone in a new direction. We are lucky, to say the least and it is also nice to be building this online community with you and others who can’t physically be here. Bill W. called Emotional Sobriety the Next Frontier in A.A. That was in the 1950′s. It’s taking a little while to catch on, but we are all on the edge of a new chapter and a very exciting time.
JOE – Thanks for your comment. Having KC take me to these 2 paragraphs in the moment I was experiencing them cemented these principles in me. Even though I fall off track and take credit, I can always get back to this place again where I give it all to God because I have seen how it has healed me and brought relief each time in the past. Looking forward to seeing you tonight!