Lured down the path by pride
It’s so good to be back in the flow. After traveling for work the first 2 weeks of the year, I was able to attend the Thursday night Emotional Sobriety meeting this week along with all the others who were willing to venture out in the rain. We’re funny about rain here in Southern California. We don’t see it much, so we don’t know quite what to make of it when it shows up, especially for 5 days straight.
This week, we talked about the last paragraph on page 48 in Step 4 of the “12&12″:
“To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let’s take a universally recognized list of major human failings – the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. It is not by accident that pride heads the procession. For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts. When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.”
What a mouthful! Chew on that for a while!
First off, I have to remember that I’m in Step 4 here. I have built a foundation with the first 3 Steps and I have a Power in my life that I call God whom I can bring into this paragraph to help me look deeper at myself. Not only that, I have also really contemplated and applied principles from the previous paragraphs in Step 4. These paragraphs have introduced me, step by step, to the instincts and how they function. They have helped me to find the “shoes that fit”, recognizing when I am a power driver and when I am a door mat.
Finally, I am in the midst of pondering the need for a list of my more glaring defects and this current paragraph is going to help me define what those defects are and how they function. We could spend months studying this paragraph!
“For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.” I remember reading this paragraph about 4 or 5 years ago and having this sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I still can see myself clearly in the moment, where I was sitting, what I was doing. I had read it before, many times actually, but on this particular occasion it set the alarms off. Was this the key to the kingdom? If so, what was doing buried in the middle of this paragraph? Why wasn’t it in bold print capital letters with arrows pointing at it.
I read it over and over. I grabbed a dictionary and looked up pride, self-justification, spurred, conscious, unconscious, fear, breeder. I called my sponsor and I could almost hear his smile on the other end of line when I told him that I had found a secret ingredient in the alcoholism recipe. He had had the same experience early in his recovery, but he reminded me that although this was a powerful and meaningful principle, we couldn’t forget that there are an unlimited number of reasons we drank and used and still continue to struggle with this disease. This principle was merely opening an important door to deeper insights. We talked for a long time. I wrote down the sentence and all the definitions and put the slip of paper in my wallet to carry with me and contemplate some more.
Time passed and I was still struggling with this whole instinct, fear, defect thing. I just couldn’t connect the dots and I was frustrated. I felt like my sponsor was speaking Chinese when he talked about all this stuff, but that if I could just make that leap between an intellectual understanding and a true knowing, I would feel some relief.
We were at my sponsor’s house one afternoon and I expressed my frustration once again. I asked him if he could give me a visual because my mind worked better with visuals and the magic of one alcoholic working with another unfolded right before my eyes once again.
He held his hand up high:
Defect
Then a little lower, below that:
Fear
Then lower still, below that:
Instinct
Bingo! When I act in a defect such as anger, there is a fear driving that defect. The fear can be conscious or even more dangerous, unconscious, meaning I am not even aware of it. Under the fear is an instinct for sex, security or society. My fear is that my instinct won’t be satisfied.
Someone says something at work that hints at the fact that I haven’t done my job right. I get angry and yell at them, a defect. Under my anger is a fear that my instinct for financial security won’t be satisfied because I’ll get fired and won’t have money to support my family. This all happens in a fraction of second and I’m not even aware of it. And then the secret ingredient, pride, steps in to justify my anger. How could I ever think that there isn’t plenty wrong with me about which plenty must be done if I am going to stay sober and live a good life.
There are many definitions of pride, including an excessively high opinion of oneself or abilities; conceit; arrogance; ego. But the one that Michelle gave me really has me thinking today: pride is about an identity made up. I have all these stories about who I am that I have made up and desperately need to protect. No wonder I have so much trouble making progress. Pride likes where I am and wants me to stay right there.
Our Take-Aways from the meeting were to take a look at pride and how it functions in me, how it leads to self-justification, how it causes me difficulty and blocks my progress. We also are looking for where we make demands on ourselves and others. Some members who had trouble seeing that pride was a negative thing are looking at what pride really means to them.
I’m barely scratching the surface here so I really hope to hear comments from all of you on what you discover in contemplating this paragraph.
“For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.”
WOW! I tell you truly, with God as my witness, that before I read that you had an experience where this sentence hit you like a ton of bricks, I was having a VERY similar experience with it…I just kept reading that sentence in this “blog” (lack of better term) over and over and over– as the circumstances that I have found myself in for the past 4 years ran through my mind. It was if I was seeing my current life from somewhere far off, and realizing that pride has kept me in all of this. Like “a ton of bricks” I got it, and got it good and clear. I have done this, I have chosen to be stuck, I have not wanted to live in a shabby place worrying about food, nice clothing, MONEY. I have not wanted to take the bus! I have not wanted to trust the admonition by a wise prophet to “take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, not yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not THE LIFE more than meat, and the body more than raiment?…Seek ye first the kingdom of God and righteousness, and ALL these things shall be added unto you”. The “kingdom” being the secret place I keep with my God…This is moving me to tears, because I can see now, a concept that has eluded me and kept me in a place where my wings have been clipped for years! Now, how to put this to the test, to follow the truth in my actions…Do I take to the street with no thought? I dont think so…I think I stay willing to work jobs I feel overqualified for, to actually start depending on a bus, to be willing to live lowly or to “let go” of what the world says is respectable, successful, WORTHY. This is a challenge, and now that it has been uncovered, and I can see it, I will have to act. I will stay with God, each moment, each hour, each day and as the tides turn I suppose I will know what to do when the time comes….Any feedback would be appreciated. Erika
Thank you ONE MORE TIME K.C. for leading this soul closer to the Truth of Being. I have a REALLY hard time getting to the meeting on Wed., I live in Encino, but I do belong there. The Wed. night meeting/ Sun Malibu mtg were the foundation of the sobriety that I have now. I am still studying Sermon on the Mount and I go to Primetime meetings that are closer to me here in the Valley. I have 1 year and three months for the first time in 12 years, and it all began with your guidance. I have meant to take a cake at the Wed. meeting, but believe it or not it is pretty hard to get rides for some reason, and there are NO buses that go to the new location. I will try to save for a cab, get there, and again ask for rides if anyone can help…Lots of love to you and yours, God Bless!!!
Pride is another of those words- you mentioned people only seeing a positive meaning. The word False pride could be used instead and ring a bell for them. It is that empty ego identity thing- either an overly puffed up false identity or deflated total failure both of which are totally self centred. Or perhaps it is a matter of degree like some of the other “deadly sin” defects. The opposite of gluttony isn’t starvation but moderation. The opposite of sloth isn’t to be a speed demon but maybe only having the courage to take an action. So, taking an action to overcome the defect Pride- is not to be totally self effacing – but allowing a moderate feeling of accomplishment- job well done- but perhaps not taking ALL the credit. Pride that is shared is not a defect. Like a sobriety birthday – a moderate feeling of Pride that I was lucky and smart enough to listen and take the advice of others, ask for help from a power greater than myself and now I feel proud of all of us. Pride in the absence of fear is pretty close to humility. Pride with fear as a base- Don’t want to admit I am wrong – don’t want to admit you are right- for me personally – there is huge fear under that – stupid, imperfect, bad, empty, lost, weak etc etc. False Pride dominates when I don’t want to admit that some things in the past may not have been good choices. When the old identity is questioned – pride helps us self justify because of fear of losing that identity and being nothing. Bad person. Intellectual pride. Black and white thinking- one can only be good or bad- right or wrong also comes from basing too much personal identity and sense of self on the products of your thinking. And seeing any other idea or person holding a different idea as an enemy combatant. How much better to have a sense of self connected to a Higher self and allow our ideas and those of others to meet and meld in an interesting, creative and ever evolving grey area. To be free of the shame of self justification when we know we are wrong but feel we must defend our actions or thoughts as though we are staking our lives on them.
ERICKA – I’m glad you were able to make the connection in reading this post and apply it to your life. That is always my desire when I write. Also, just to be clear to you once again, I am not KC, although he is the sponsor described in this story. If you are trying to reach him, his website is http://thoughtlifeconnect.wordpress.com/ . If you can’t get a bus to the Wednesday meeting, we have a meeting on Thursday nights called The Emotional Sobriety Step Study in Studio City/Valley Village. This is the meeting referred to in this post. The info is in the right sidebar of this blog near the top of the page. It is on Colfax between Riverside and Magnolia so perhaps there is a bus that can take you there. If not, Michelle and I attend the Primetime Saturday night meeting in Sherman Oaks from time to time, so perhaps we’ll see you there. Best, John W.
After finding only one positive definition of Pride- self respect- in a sea of “exalting oneself above others, superior”, definitions .. it seems a pretty dicey business full of fine lines to get at that “good pride” so maybe going for self acceptance and humility is a better bet rather than trying to “justify ” pride.
BEV – You nailed it! – “going for self acceptance and humility is a better bet rather than trying to “justify ” pride.” In the meeting the other night, when some were having trouble seeing the danger in pride, we looked at 2 paragraphs from Step 10 which has always helped me to see the proper use of my pride. You’ve made me realize that I need to write a post about it because this important in connecting the dots. Stay tuned, I’m writing it right now….
Nice…although I had to read it a couple times. I was afraid I was going to differ with you as to the “generation” of my defects, but then I re-read.
Thank you. This is a nice description (including prior comments) of how my instincts for self-everything devolve into my defects. ALL my defects have their genesis in fear; and that fear is generated from my ego.
I enjoy BevB’s term “false pride,” as (unfortunately?) I cannot give up all pride in accomplishment…yet, anyway.
The BB says small steps, a friend says “baby steps,” but I’ve always smiled at a Heinlein paraphrase, “You are only an egg, Jubal.”
DAVE – Thanks! Like I said, Chinese to me for a while until the visual description connected with my behavior. Check out today’s post for what I have learned to do with pride when it shows up. As always, good to hear from you!
I like Michelle’s idea of pride too, my ego/pride is always looking for content to identify itself in the moment I’m in to a moment in the past or future. I’ve looked at that sentence lately and see where I can plug any defect into it. Anger leading to self justification etc. Thanks for connecting the step 10 paragraphs as well, I love seeing something I can do today and give a performance to now that might treat my alcoholism.
Thanks for blogging John!!!
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