Is the beauty in the mountains or is it in me?
Both Emotional Sobriety meetings have been amazing over the past month, the men’s group continuing to look at Step 2 and the coed group working its way through Step 4. I would like to say that I will write posts about all that has transpired over this time, but that wouldn’t be realistic. As a matter of fact, that would be a good example of alcoholism, over-scheduling myself. So I will write about what inspires me which is always the best way to go.
The 2nd paragraph on page 25 of the “12&12″ was the subject of one of our recent Monday meetings:
“Let’s look first at the case of the one who says he won’t believe – the belligerent one. He is in a state of mind which can be described only as savage. His whole philosophy of life, in which he so gloried, is threatened. It’s bad enough, he thinks, to admit alcohol has him down for keeps. But now, still smarting from that admission, he is faced with something really impossible. How he does cherish the thought that man, risen so majestically from a single cell in the primordial ooze, is the spearhead of evolution and therefore the only god that his universe knows! Must he renounce all this to save himself?”
I don’t walk around with the conscious thought that I am risen so majestically from the primordial ooze and that I am the spearhead of evolution, but when I get into this state of mind they call belligerent and savage, that is exactly what I am doing. I won’t believe in God because I am making all the decisions for my life. The reason that this is a savage philosophy is that I have proven that I am a complete failure at deciding what to think and how to act. I just have to look at my track record to see that this kind of thinking led me straight to Alcoholics Anonymous where I am forced by circumstance to ask for help on how to live.
Belligerent means of warlike character, aggressively hostile, combative, quarrelsome, antagonistic.
Savage means fierce, ferocious, or cruel, enraged or furiously angry, unpolished; rude
On the surface, the A.A. literature is talking about my behavior. But like all spiritual books, below the surface of the words, they are really talking about my state of mind. Luckily, this paragraph uses those actual words – a state of mind which can be described only as savage. We talk about the alcoholic mind in our meetings and this is exactly what they are referring to here. I am savage in my thoughts, my thoughts about you and even more damaging, my thoughts about myself.
I had a great example of savage thinking happen just recently. I was working on a commercial project for a week, a logistically challenging job in the snow, but nothing new that I hadn’t encountered before. My boss was stressed to max, under the pressure to deliver what he had promised. I could see he was struggling on the inside and that inside struggle was turning outward toward others in anger, impatience, frustration.
Emotional Sobriety is all about right reactions to people in situations in my life. The trouble for me this particular day was that I was trying to run my day on self-will and my previous experience in these situations and it wasn’t working. I had a challenge equal to that of my boss and defects flowed from me just as easily as they did from him. I couldn’t just allow him to feel his own feelings and let him process things in his own way. Of course I wasn’t even aware of all of this while I was in it. I went back to the hotel that night, exhausted and pissed off.
The next morning I woke up with a raging headache, still angry and even more irritated. Fortunately, I have tools to deal with situations like this now, a method in the 12 Steps and a Power I call God. I wrote in my journal, getting my anger and frustration out, then got quiet. In the stillness, the truth about what had happened the day before was revealed. I was mirroring my bosses savage thinking and behavior. Despite much previous experience working in these conditions, I had doubted my own abilities. I was tearing myself apart on the inside. I had tried to savagely run my day on self-will.
I took this new perspective and a sense of relief from seeing myself into the new day. My boss had not changed at all and we were filming in the same location under the same circumstances. What was different on this day, however, was me. I asked God to come with me, to help me detach from others, to be of service to my boss and co-workers, to notice the beauty of the mountains all around me.
My experience in an identical situation was completely different as a result. I had a great day and the only thing that had changed was my perspective. There was a noticeable difference between savage, alcoholic thinking and positive thinking that came from a Power greater than me. My new perspective even managed to change my boss who gradually saw things in a new light for himself and started smiling and having fun the second half of the day.
One of the principles to apply from this paragraph is to become aware of when I get into this savage state of mind. The awareness opens a door for a Power to come in. Post a comment and let us know what you discover.
This is the gift of the 12×12…the web of the physical self most referred to in the BB contacting (and speaking with) Bill’s Emotional Sobriety treatise.
We live and survive and flourish in the eventual (hopefully) knowledge of non-self. “Savage” is oneself…I don’t think we can remove it completely, but we can acknowledge it…understand it in relation to the embedded instincts we have/need. I think the wonder and improvement of self (and destruction thereof) is the “seeing” of it.
I agree with DaveH. But beyond that, to me “savage” is a beautiful word. (In Spanish, I believe, a wild animal is described as “salvaje” — look at the first five letters…what do they tell you?) My feral cats demand respect…they allow me to hold them, but the minute I approach them in self-will, rather than in love and acceptance, they will scratch and try to bite.
My “savage” self too will scratch and bite, out of fear and rage. But since it’s part of my divinely created nature, I don’t want to destroy that “savage” self. I don’t even want to “tame” it. I just don’t want it to bring it “into the house,” so to speak, and let it start running my life. I want to treat it the same way I would treat, say, any wild animal — with awareness (as Dave says, “acknowledging it”) and with awe. It’s a mighty force…with an awesome capacity for destruction.
Thanks John, this is an excellent description of the belligerent one and your realization of how alcoholism was functioning in your mind. I enjoyed the part you talked about writing then getting quiet(step 3 application) and seeing how the disease had come in through the back door. You gave the required performance and the day turned around, the beauty is within us that is for sure! That photo of the mountains is beautiful too, thanks for sharing that!
I find in my day today that I am willing to relinquish all this belligerent and savage mind to save myself. I’m really hitting a new bottom with it, it takes way too much out of me and hurts me really bad. Saps the power out me too.
Reading, meditating, praying and asking for help, and reaching out to acknowledge the good in others and myself is taking priority today.
Reminds me of raising the bottom and recognizing my alcoholism application in step one but on a new level. How it functions in my mind today. I’m so grateful how people in our meetings talk about these things and the design of our format. My disease is always going deeper, so must the healing power of a higher power and the 12 steps.
Thanks for blogging this new post John I really value our friendship, and thanks to others here for posting comments!
Joe
DAVE H – Well put! I agree that we are never rid of the savage part of ourselves and therefore our alcoholism. It goes back again to the practical application of the Serenity Prayer – the wisdom to the difference between the old character and the new character. Like you stated so well “I think the wonder and improvement of self (and destruction thereof) is the “seeing” of it.” Unless I see the old character and how it functions, I will never have the courage to change that old behavior in a moment which is the only time I can change. Thanks!
DORMILONA – You too! I love reading insight from all of you. You open my mind up to new ideas and perspectives and at the same time show me that we are all the same. I agree acknowledging the savage in me is important. Awareness is always the first Step toward change. I can recognize my savage nature, my savage mind and in doing so, allow it to stay in its proper place where it doesn’t destroy me or everyone around me.
JOE – Thanks for your insights! I value your friendship as well and I agree that the disease is always going deeper so each day I must do more than I did yesterday to deepen my relationship with a Power and the 12 Steps. I like your connection here to Step 1, to raising the bottom and recognizing my alcoholism. Recognizing that my thinking and behavior is savage is paramount. And the final question in the paragraph offers the solution: I must renounce my old ideas of how to run the show if I want to let a Power in right now.
John, I am so grateful for our gift to communicate these principles and your ability to identify and verbalize the disease in your daily life it helps me to see the disease in my life, awareness, thank God for awareness.
My mind was digging a huge pit and trying to drag me into it all day at work today.In the bottom of the pit were all of my fears and insecurities broiling to the top. I just kept asking God to keep me out of myself and let me see His hand. I found myself kneeling near camera during many takes just to ask God to calm my mind. It worked repeatedly all day.
The day was still rough but every time the belligerent savage wanted to; A) consume me from the inside about how much of a failure I am or how I should have seen the delays and been able to circumvent them, or B) Sink my teeth into the unruly actor and panicking director and producer the reality of the serenity prayer and it’s application would come up.
All in all it felt like a very scientific day for me. As Dormilona stated; I had no real desire to tame or lose the savage I just wanted to feel the feelings and not let the rage out on others or let my savage begin clawing and gnashing others at work. Gratefully it worked, today.
Miss you guys. Won’t be back for at least two weeks.
The word savage. Wow. You could write a book about it because of it’s connections to imperialism and being loaded with cultural bias. Who is the uncivilized one anyways? Romans called Celts – “people who live in the woods.” When they fought back they were the uncivilized barbarians. French called Native North Americans, Les Sauvages, at first meaning innocents. When they fought back with everything they had- called savages. It seems to me that less “civilized ” people get called that by their oppressors who presumably have a more “civilised” style of killing. Maybe because the “Savages” are fighting for everything. Everything is at stake. Their identity, culture, spirituality, land, family, life, connections to the past and the future. Absolute – life and death threat. Where I live people say- “he went right savage. Was he ever savage. ” And everyone knows what that means. Identity is connected to the ego, right? With this prospect of giving up liquor and old way of living and hanging my survival on a dim hope of a God, the possibility of total annihalation is imminent. All of a sudden I am being confronted by something which means my entire way of life and way of thinking is being threatened. And I feel it on a totally physical level. In sobriety- and I can relate to this totally and especially as you bring up John, to creative work WITH OTHER PEOPLE-. I get high on a brilliant idea- too high, my identity is involved, MY idea, adrenaline kicks in. Idea is now related to FUTURE future work, money, status, etc.. Someone questions my idea, something unforseen happens and project under threat, someone takes my idea – ME- and desecrates it. In that instant I go Savage. Everything about me now under threat. Happy high adrenaline now turns into poison. (which it has been all along)I fight for my life. Future now threatened. One second glory awards, next second, disgrace. I am being attacked and I attack back with everything I’ve got. And oh God maybe I even made a mistake. ME? Or I jump onboard someone elses negativity because I want to be part of the gang. Addictive power of negativity. And how in the hell did I let all of this happen? What didn’t i do this morning? Why am I not monitoring this stuff? Reminding myself to stay in the now. Thanking HP for the idea, the people around me, the fact that even if this is a rotten project, I have been blessed with a career in which the rotten project isn’t a life sentence. That there are a whole bunch of other humans here and it isn’t all about me and it isn’t in my control. Maybe in reflection after – realize this was my Higher Power bringing some unresolved stuff to the surface. Thanks so much John and sorry I go on so long but your writing hit a big button. It was worth waiting for.
KOREY – Thanks for connecting savage and belligerent to your own personal experience at work. I know from my own experience in recovery that these principles must be lived for me to truly understand them and that includes difficult principles like “I’m in a state of mind that can be described only as savage”. I must know what that means through a savage experience. Tools to tame my savage nature, that’s what I need.
BEV – Please don’t apologize for going on with your comment. When a button is hit for you, your realizations about yourself and your alcoholism become my realizations too. This is the beauty of this program. Because we are all connected, when you realize, I realize. When you heal, I heal. Incredible. This is why we need each other and need to talk about this stuff. I love all your references to savage and the path that it took you on to see how your mind was functioning through your project at work. Amazing! Thank you!
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