Heading toward the light
Recently, The Emotional Sobriety men’s group moved into to Step 2 as we took a good look at the first paragraph on page 25 of the “12&12″:
“Step Two. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The moment they read Step Two, most A.A. newcomers are confronted with a dilemma, sometimes a serious one. How often have we heard them cry out, ‘Look what you people have done to us! You have convinced us that we are alcoholics and that our lives are unmanageable. Having reduced us to a state of absolute helplessness, you now declare that none but a Higher Power can remove our obsession. Some us won’t believe in God, others can’t, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle. Yes, you’ve got us over the barrel, all right – but where do we go from here?’”
Before contemplating this paragraph, it is important to remember where I just came from. Step 1 ended with a paragraph that leaves me with no place left to go because I am under the lash of alcoholism and have discovered the fatal nature of my situation. This discovery has left me in a state in which my mind is open, I am willing to listen and ready to do anything to lift the merciless obsession. If I am truly in this state of surrender, I will be thrown full force into Step 2. If I’m not there yet, it just means that I have more searching to do.
This state of mind in which I come full speed into Step 2 is referred to in this paragraph as being over the barrel. This phrase reflects the helplessness of my situation, the truth that I am convinced that I am an alcoholic and that my life is unmanageable. As we have seen in Step 1, the disease of alcoholism centers in my mind rather than my body, so the life they are talking about is my thought life. Being convinced of this was a key factor in this critical first Step and this convinced state is where I must return to each time I get into a struggle in recovery.
So now we are faced with a dilemma, meaning a situation in which a choice must be made between alternative courses of action. The two courses of action are either alcoholism or a program of recovery. In my case, the alternative courses of action I have today in recovery are defined by my old character and my new character. My old character is the one I brought to A.A., the one who drank and used, the one who has alcoholism and sees the world in a negative light even years after the booze is out of my system. My new character is the one who is coming to believe in a Power greater than me, that lives a life built on spiritual principles and can see the good all around me.
When I first arrive here in A.A. and for a period of time, my dilemma is whether to keep on going with what I have always done, or come to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity. As we will see later in Step 2, sanity is defined as soundness of mind. It doesn’t mean I am insane, just that my mind has unsound thoughts. If my thoughts are unsound, doesn’t it make sense that I might need to ask for help?
The trouble is, when I do ask for help, my dilemma deepens as I come up against all kinds of blocks that keep from bringing a Power into my life. Like so many others, I came to A.A. with a whole history of issues around God. I grew up in a Catholic family. We went to church every Sunday and I was even an alter boy for several years. In high school, I began to question what I was being told about God and religion. I saw cracks in the story and when my father died shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I used that opportunity to exit the building. I became defiant and self-righteous when it came to God and religion and over the following years began to doubt that there even was a God at all.
This was the guy that came into A.A., one that could actually be defined by all three of the types presented in this paragraph:
- The one who won’t believe in God
- The one who can’t believe in God
- The one who believes God exists, but has no faith whatever He will perform this miracle for me
Where do I go from here? Questions like this are designed to open up my mind. Instead of telling me where to go, they are asking me so that I can contemplate the dilemma for myself. Even once I come to believe in a Power greater than me and learn to call that Power God, I am still faced with this same dilemma on a daily basis. It happens when I take it all back and run my life on the power of self, deciding exactly how to think and how to act. Each time I do this, I am blocking a Power from coming into my life. But the good news is that this puts me in the position of making a choice which course of action to take: my own, or the one that helps me come to believe.
Our takeaway from the meeting and this paragraph was to become aware of when I was in a dilemma and to notice how at different times, I can be the one who won’t believe, the one who can’t believe and the one who doesn’t believe God will help me. Take a look for yourself and post a comment to share your experience.
God exists but won’t perform this miracle for me. That is me. Once again the low / high self esteem yoyo based on fear and insecurity and the belief that i am special. Either in a positive or negative sense. I’m 11 years sober. Recently – a month now, I quit smoking. Leading up to that momentous event I went through all of a similar mental torture chamber that preceded quitting drinking. I know the two are very different addictions and we aren’t supposed to talk about others. But I got called on it by a friend. I had announced my intention several times. He said When did you say you were going to quit? So I was forced to say next week. I thought – how can i make these two the same? How can I use the steps and the program? A friend told me about a book and so i got a book. I used my friend as a sponsor. I admitted to my HP I was powerless, beat, screwed. I thought , even though I lost the desire to drink – by doing steps one and two- even though I knew this– somehow I began to think- I was lucky that time. It will ony work with alcohol. (Special) However, I kept taking small actions and practiced willingness. Only because these things are becoming ingrained in me. My instinct is to kick and scream against them. After a week – the desire to smoke left. THE BOOK said at week three I might experience great joy and freedom. I thought , well, that’s okay if I don’t get the works, just to not smoke is good enough (I don’t deserve it, maybe i didn’t do it exactly as the book says, low self esteem – God performs miracles but not for me) Week three I got a great feeling of joy and freedom. Just like the book says. Just like “if we do what the Big Book says, we will get this result. I often think, despite me and my self. Always the higher self will bring about results despite the ego self. Or whatever you want to call it. One small action – a committment to change – and the Higher self delivers in spades. Am I ever grateful.
BEV – Great demonstration of the power of the Steps and God to heal any addiction! Like so many others, I drank and used drugs and needed help with both. Then, in recovery, other addictions took their place as I struggled with self-will. The realization that the disease was centered in my mind no matter what it’s manifestation was a huge component in my recovery. I needed a method and a Power to overcome any addiction I had and what that addiction was was actually irrelevant because I was dealing with a disease of the mind.
The forward of the “12&12″ says, “Many people, nonalcoholics, report that as a result of the practice of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, they have been able to meet other difficulties of life. They think that the Twelve Steps can mean more than sobriety for problem drinkers. They see in them a way to happy and effective living for many, alcoholic or not.”
This passage is exactly what you have demonstrated, the application of the Steps to heal your smoking addiction. That’s one of the things I love about our Emotional Sobriety meetings. They may be A.A., but we focus on the solution and that keeps the talk away from any specific addiction and allows everyone to heal no matter where they are at or how the disease has manifested. Please always feel free to write about any struggles and success you may be having. All are welcome on this blog.