Come into the light with a new awareness of Alcoholism
The Monday night Emotional Sobriety men’s group is going to finish our review of Step 1 tomorrow night and 2 weeks ago we dug into the last paragraph on page 24 of the “12&12″:
“Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.”
This short paragraph is the bridge from Step 1 to Step 2 and therefore a key to my success in recovery, not just in the beginning, but everyday. The reality is, unless I know what I am truly up against, I will never come to believe in a Power greater than myself. This goes for me not only when I first get sober, but over and over again each time I am whipped by the disease of alcoholism.
I love that they use the word alcoholism here. They don’t say under the lash of alcohol, they say under the lash of alcoholism. The ism means that it is alive and functioning in me right now, whether I am drinking or not. The ism is what they talk about on page 25 of the Big Book when they tell me the disease centers in my mind rather than my body. The ism is what we have been talking about on Monday nights in Step 1, starting with the idea in the first paragraph that I have a warped mind.
The fatal nature of my situation is that the disease of alcoholism centers in my mind rather than my body. That means that once the alcohol and drugs are out of my system, I still have a mental obsession to think the way I have always thought. Step 1 has been helping me to discover the truth about how the disease functions in me. It is all about awareness, about recognizing my alcoholism as this living malady.
As serious as this may sound, and it is because my life is on the line, they use the word discover in relation to my fatal situation. Discover is a word that is used a lot throughout this book. Discover means to make known or visible, to obtain sight or knowledge of for the first time. As an alcoholic, I want it all and I want it now, but discover means it will be revealed over a period of time. My desire to find it will determine whether it is a short time or a long time. And for me discover also means it’s an adventure.
So each time I lash out at others, I can recognize that I am in the disease. That recognition drives me to A.A. and by A.A. it could be a meeting, a phone call to another alcoholic or the print that offers solutions and a design for living in all the 12 Steps. My own personal experience has been that talking with a sponsor who can offer guidance on my particular situation has always given me the relief I need. When I am in the midst of my struggles and I pick up the phone to ask for help, I am in that place where I am capable of open-mindedness and willing to listen to his advice.
The principle of listening has become one of the pillars of my recovery and I was introduced to it by my sponsor in this paragraph. Like a gratitude list, listening is a go-to principle that I can practice anytime, anywhere. My sponsor told me to go to A.A. meetings and ask a Power to help me to listen. When, I did this I realized that I didn’t know how to listen on my own. I would sit in a meeting and my mind would be anywhere else but there. I was thinking about yesterday or tonight or rehearsing what I was going to say when it was my turn to share.
But by asking a Power to help me, I am able to be in the present moment and hear what is being said. I started practicing the listening principle when I was with friends and at work and I began to hear what they were really saying. Listening to others also helped me to hear myself. I began to recognize that I was often negative and judgmental, that I used words like, “I always”, “I never”, “should” and “shouldn’t”. I used a lot of obscenities too. It was a huge revelation. I was taught that my vocabulary was important, that my thoughts and words created my life.
This new awareness through listening also became an introduction to meditation. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I can pause and just listen. Sitting in my home in the morning, I suddenly hear a car drive by, a dog barking, a plane flying overhead, the gardener mowing the lawn down the street, the hum of the refrigerator. It quiets my mind and brings me into the present moment.
The last sentence in the paragraph is the final component which rockets me into Step 2 and a Power greater than myself. I stand ready to do anything which will life the merciless obsession from me. Anything. In order to stand ready, I must be made ready and each paragraph that has come before this one has been part of the process of making me ready. If I am not willing to do anything to lift the merciless obsession of my alcoholic mind, then something is missing.
That’s okay. It just means I need to back up and ask a Power the simple question:
“Power (or God if that works for you) can you help me to see my warped mind today?”
Ready or not, here it comes!
John, one more time this paragraph gives an alcoholic someone like me a study guide for my day. Asking God to show me my warped mind and devastating weakness that I go to it for answers and everything is the first step into a solution in this moment.
I love your further application of listening, meditation. Pause and stopping and hearing what is really going on right now.
“We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us”
Asking a power greater than me to quiet my mind.
Thanks again John for your effort and concise description of how you see and use this paragraph today.
I need these AA principals this morning because this is the only day and moment I’ve ever been sober in, right now.
Interesting, but almost more than I can consume in one sitting/reading.
We alcoholics are granted some measure of grace simply because our disease keeps calling to us…you mention it as mostly of the mind,”centers in my mind rather than my body,” but it surely has a physical appearance as well….the compulsion of the mind, the obsession of the body.
I yearn to quell the compulsion (thus the obsession). But how to do this other than sublimating (is that a word?) the self-ness inherent in me.
A quote from Heinlein comes to me…”I am only an egg, Jubal.”
And perhaps that is as close as I can come now…recognizing that I need to acknowledge my “infancy,” and to someday become.
Sorry I’m so far away from this LA group…
JOE – “I need these AA principals this morning because this is the only day and moment I’ve ever been sober in, right now.” Great stuff, Joe! That’s the perspective I need all the time. I can’t rest on my laurels. The things I did yesterday for my recovery are important, but I must move forward today, right now, and apply principles in the moment I’m in. The living disease needs living application.
DAVE – I know, it is a lot to digest! There is so much in every paragraph, every sentence, every word that it is hard for me to fit it all into a blog post. That’s why this is a lifetime job. As I continue to move forward, more is revealed. It is a lot to swallow all at once. That’s why I love the “discover” idea and the principle of “piecemeal” from Step 2, piece by piece a little at time.
You are so correct in your recognition of the physical aspect of the disease. Step 1 talks about it as “the double-edged sword”, the insane urge (mental) coupled with a physical allergy (physical). As the Big Book says, any discussion of the disease without looking at the physical aspect is incomplete. Our Emotional Sobriety group focusses on the mental aspect of the disease because once alcohol is taken out of the system for a period of time, the physical craving disappears. What we are left with is the mental obsession, the obsession to think like we always have. As you quoted in a previous comment, the Big Book says that alcohol was but a symptom, that we had to get down to causes and conditions.
With all that in mind, I notice that there is still a physical side to my alcoholism without alcohol in my system. A perfect example of that is anger. When I venture into anger, I feel it as a physical sensation inside my body. Then, just like with alcohol, once I have started down the anger path, I have no will to resist it’s demands. I am attracted to the feeling I get when I am angry. It is the double-edged sword in action.
The good news is that I have solutions and support today. I am grateful for all the things that have happened to me in my drinking days and my sober days. They have all led me to this moment.
I recommend that you click on the Step 1 link under categories in the right sidebar. You will find quite a few older posts from this past year on other paragraphs in Step 1. Thanks again for reading and sharing your perspective. I know you can’t physically be in the room with us tonight or Thursday, but your on-line presence makes you just as much a part of our group.
“That means that once the alcohol and drugs are out of my system, I still have a mental obsession to think the way I have always thought.”
Therein lies my problem. Beautifully simple. It’s that concept that opened my recovery up. “Bottles were just a symbol” suddenly had meaning to me. I used to hear that and wonder what the hell they were talking about.
It is the acceptance of that stark fact John so perfectly captured that opened up an understanding of the disease of alcoholism to me. I finally had a name for why I felt, thought and believed the tings I did. But this program didn’t leave me hanging….it showed me how to access the Power for change.
Beautifully put John.
Tom Q
TOM – Thanks and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!