Ah, ah, ah, ah Staying Alive, Staying Alive

Raising the bottom is recognizing beauty all around me

The Monday night Emotional Sobriety Men’s Step study group is in the midst of an overview of Step 1. Each time we reach the end of a Step, the format calls for an overview where we can talk about any of the principles contained in the Step or ask questions. This gives me the opportunity to catch up with a post today about the 1st paragraph on page 24 of  the “12&12″:

“Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first?The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.’s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect – unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.”

Alcoholics tend to be rule breakers and I am no exception. We are so fortunate to have a program of recovery that is structured the way A.A. is, with no rulers and only suggested guidelines. So us rebels are eased into a program that allows us to just be present with other alcoholics at meetings because there is only one requirement, the desire to stop drinking. That desire can only be measured by the individual. This requirement allows everyone in the door and allows them to stay.

But amongst all this freedom are specific requirements and musts. Even the word suggestion is tricky. It means subtle command. This paragraph has a whole list of them, starting with the must of hitting bottom first. I don’t have to do these things. Remember, I just need to have a desire to stop drinking. I can just be sober and remain a self-centered, average alcoholic. Actually, that doesn’t sound so attractive to me. I don’t want to be average anything.

The previous paragraphs have talked about hitting bottom and raising the bottom so it hits me, so I don’t have to go through years of literal hell. Now, they make a very important statement, let’s call it a principle, meaning it is true for me and you each and every time. Just to get my attention and make sure I really contemplate it, they present the principle in the form of a question and answer: Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. I will only sincerely practice the A.A. program once I first hit bottom.

The bottom in my drinking and using was easy to see and I was surely willing to do whatever it took to stay sober when I first came in the door. But what about today? Where’s the bottom in recovery, today, with time? Do I need to go way down and have a defect of character smack me the face before I am sincere about practicing my A.A. program? Or can I adopt some attitudes and actions by running through the checklist of questions presented in this paragraph to see where I stand in my recovery.

Am I being rigorously honest and tolerant?

Am I confessing my faults to my sponsor or sober friends and making amends for harms done?

Am I  continuing to build my relationship with a Higher Power?

Did I pray and meditate this morning?

Will I sacrifice time and energy in carrying the message to my fellow alcoholics today?

What an order! I can’t go through with it! But if I don’t, it brings me back to just being the guy sitting in meetings, staying sober and wondering why my life doesn’t change. Now they tell me I won’t do any of this stuff unless I recognize that I have to in order to stay alive. It is hard for me to connect to staying alive in the literal sense because I am alive and I didn’t kill myself with the drugs and alcohol.

So maybe I need to take a look at what staying alive means to be today in recovery by bringing the principle of raising the bottom into this paragraph. When I do this, I realize that alive can mean happy. Alive can mean comfortable in my own skin. Alive can mean seeing the positive things in my life rather than the negative. Alive can mean healthy relationships. Alive can mean doing what I love as a career instead of suffering in a job I hate. In other words, I need to raise the bottom on what it means to be alive. I can no longer feel comfortable just hanging in there, baby.