The True Nature Of My Malady

Shedding a light on my alcoholism

The Monday night Emotional Sobriety Men’s Step study meeting just reached the end of Step 1 in the “12&12″, but I have a few paragraphs to write about before I catch up to them. So I’m going to back up to the last paragraph on page 23:

“It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. to the doubters we could say, ‘Perhaps you’re not an alcoholic after all. Why don’t you try some more controlled drinking bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?’ This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was them discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, ‘Maybe those A.A.’s were right….’ After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us. John Barleycorn himself had become our best advocate.”

There’s way too much here to tackle in one blog post so I’m hoping you all post comments about what you see in this paragraph. First of all, they are talking about raising the bottom. It’s easy to look at this paragraph from yesterday, from my drinking history. There is no doubt that I was out of control years before I realized it. But I just celebrated my 7 year sober birthday yesterday and I need principles that can help me today, right now.

To me, raising the bottom is one of the most important factors of emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety is all about right emotional reaction to whatever is happening in my life today. I have a mind powered disease called alcoholism and I need solutions on a moment to moment basis. Step 2 talks about the method of substitution. When I look at these words from where I stand today, I can substitute drinking with thinking and years with days, hours or minutes. By going back in my own thinking history, I can show that days/hours/minutes before I realized it I was out of control, that my thinking even then was no mere habit, it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. This is why awareness is such a key principle in Step 1. When I become aware of my thoughts, I begin to recognize my alcoholism when I get off track. With that awareness, I can go back in my thinking history from the last few hours or days to see that my habit of negative thinking has been a fatal progression, that my outburst of anger didn’t just appear out of nowhere.

This is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to discovering the true nature of my malady. Discovering is the perfect word because to me it represents a journey. The true nature of my malady (disease of the mind) doesn’t just hit me all at once like a white-light experience. It unfolds through my experience in recovery, starting with the simple request: “God, or Power, can you show me my warped mind today?” Ready or not, here it comes! Every time I make that request, I get shown example after example in my own behavior. This is my mission in Step 1, no matter how much time I have. I must discover the true nature of my malady or I will never ask for help. Then, once I discover it in myself, my job is to plant it your mind as well. This is a great kicking off point when working with other alcoholics.

Powerless, warped mind, bankrupt, bled of all self-sufficiency, absolute humiliation, devastating weakness, revolter, victim of a mental obsession and compulsion, smitten by an insane urge and an allergy of the body, can’t recover on my own resources, difficulty in recognizing my hopelessness, less desperate alcoholic. Even with all the information that has been handed to me in the preceding paragraphs about the true nature of my malady, I can still be a doubter. I think that this is just about being sober and that all I have to do is not drink or use.

Again, I can substitute thinking for drinking and try some more controlled thinking, bearing in mind what I have learned about alcoholism. It doesn’t say alcohol. It says alcoholism, the malady, the mind powered disease. As soon as I try to think on my own, without a Power, it won’t be long before I am off track again, back in my familiar world of negative thinking where I can only see everything that is wrong in my life and in the world. This is what they mean by immediate and practical results. My lack of power to see my world in a good light is proof once again of what I am truly up against.

Following every spree (unrestrained outburst – oh boy, that’s a familiar!), I get to return convinced that you A.A.’s were right when you told me I was up against more than alcohol and drugs. John Barleycorn, which is a representation of alcohol from an English folk song, in this case represents my spree into alcoholic thinking. The alcoholic thinking becomes an advocate or asset because it shows me once again what the true nature of my malady is. If I don’t experience this for myself, I will never be convinced.

Recently, a sober friend told me that he was really seeing that he was a doubter and that even with all this information about the malady of alcoholism, he still wasn’t convinced. Twenty years of in and out wasn’t enough. There was still the thought that he could run his own life, that just needed to stay sober and maybe someday he’d even be able to drink again. I told him he was in a great place, that admitting that opened the door for him to see some new truths about himself and the disease. “Try some more controlled thinking and let me know how it goes,” I suggested. He laughed, convinced if only for the moment.

Like all of these solutions, I can only be convinced in the moment I am in. It’s a living disease and it needs living applications.