There are no straight lines in nature, or life.
The “Drifter” paragraph on page 28 in Step 2 of the 12 & 12 has been the subject of more than just our Thursday night Step Study as Ricky brought it to the surface again at the Sunday Life Preserver Meeting:
“Any number of A.A.’s can say to the drifter, ‘Yes, we were diverted from our childhood faith, too. The overconfidence of youth was too much for us. Of course, we were glad that good home and religious training had given us certain values. We were still sure that we ought to be fairly honest, tolerant, and just, that we ought to be ambitious and hardworking. We became convinced that such simple rules of fair play and decency would be enough.”
When I first read Step 2, I found myself in this drifter series of paragraphs on page 28. I had a childhood faith. My family was Irish/German Catholic and my grandparents attended mass seven days a week. My mother went to Catholic schools in the Bronx and never ate meat on Fridays. I went to a Catholic elementary school in St. Louis, MO and was an alter boy at our church in suburban Los Angeles. My father was a military officer, a West Pointer, an attorney. He taught me good values and morals. But my father died from a cerebral annurism when I was 18 and I fell from faith and began my retreat into drugs and alcohol, drifting away from God.
Seeing myself as the drifter eased me into Step 2 and eventually helped me to come to believe in a Power greater than me. I saw that there were others like me in A.A. who had also drifted from their childhood faith. But what about today? How do I find myself in this paragraph, drifting with time in recovery?
One of the primary ways I drift today is by not doing the things I know are going to help me stay sober and live a good life:
- I drift from my meetings. I’ll go next week.
- I drift from prayer and meditation. I don’t have time today.
- I drift from reading the A.A. print. I’ve already read that paragraph/page/step hundreds of times.
- I drift from my sponsor or sober friends. What am I going to talk about? They probably don’t want to talk to me anyway.
- I drift from writing. It’s a waste of time, I don’t have anything to say, it won’t really help.
All these and more divert me from my A.A. faith and take me away from where I have always wanted to be. One of my character traits that causes these diversions is overconfidence. I am overconfident that I posses the values and traits that will keep me on track, qualities like honesty, tolerance, justice, ambition and the drive to work hard. But the reality is, I don’t truly posses these qualities at a deep level. I only think I “ought” to have them, that these simple rules will be enough to help me get by.
Overconfidence is really just another way I practice self-sufficiency. I won’t ask for help. It is the idea that “I got this”, “I can do this on my own”. Ultimately, it is my way of saying that I don’t need a Power. And recovery isn’t the only place I drift. I drift in my relationships. I drift at work. I drift from my family. I drift from friends.
But when I look up and find myself drifting of track, I have a great opportunity because as always, the awareness leads me back to the solution. When I become aware that I am adrift, I can practice coming to believe by asking a Power to help me get back on course. There are no straight lines in nature or in life. Drifting is natural and getting back on course is how I grow.