Is that Bigfoot or The Bewilderbeast?
So nice to be back here writing this blog after an amazing 4-day Writers Workshop at UCLA and 2 busy days of catching back up with life. As Thursday approaches, I want to consider the paragraph we studied last week in the meeting. It was so exciting after 5 wonderful months building the meeting out of our apartment, to move in to our very own room in a church on Colfax in Studio City. There were 15 of us at the inaugural event and we looked at the 2nd paragraph on page 28 in Step 2:
“Sometimes A.A. comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have tried faith and found it wanting. They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith. Since both ways have proved bitterly disappointing, they have concluded there is no place whatever for them to go. The roadblocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice, and defiance often prove more solid and formidable for these people than any erected by the unconvinced agnostic or even the militant atheist. Religion says the existence of God can be proved; the agnostic says it can’t be proved; and the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence of God. Obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion. He thinks himself lost to the comfort of any conviction at all. He cannot attain in even a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic or the atheist. He is the bewildered one.”
It’s like the old National Enquirer headlines which have now become You Tube videos: “THE BEWILDERBEAST: HORRIFYING CREATURE SIGHTED AT LOCAL A.A. MEETING”. Look, there he is, he thinks he’s tried the way of faith and the way of no faith and now feels completely lost!
Today, even with a belief in a Power greater than me that I choose to call God, I still find myself lost in moments of struggle. I have these exact feelings when I am struggling in a relationship, with finances, with my children or with work. I think I have tried everything and have concluded there is no place left for me to go. I am bewildered.
Yesterday I was offered a job on a movie. As you know from my recent posts, I am struggling financially because I haven’t worked for a while. This was an interesting project, but there where many things about it that were not appealing: 4 months out of town in Louisiana away from Michelle, my children, my friends, 6 day weeks (which means 7 for me), rain, mud, blood, gun battles, explosions and a shooting schedule that is way too short for the material.
Here was a job which would relieve the financial pressure, but on all other accounts it was screaming NO, DON’T TAKE IT! What a dilemma! I found myself in a familiar place: feeling totally lost. I have been in this bewildered state over decisions about jobs countless times in my career.
“If I take the job, my life is ripped away for 4 months but I have money to pay my bills. If I don’t take it, I continue to dig my financial hole and have no idea when the next opportunity will come along.”
It is in this bewildered state that I have an amazing opportunity: to practice coming to believe all over again. I found my way out of the dark woods by talking it out with another alcoholic. Once it was all exposed, it was so much easier to make a choice, to follow my heart. A Power greater than me does not want me to give up everything just to make money. There are better opportunities out there, ones that will keep me close to home and the life I have worked so hard to build in recovery. I made the call and passed on the project.
Today I get to continue forward with the decision I have made, trusting that God will present me with a new and wonderful opportunity to have balance in my life.
What are you feeling lost or bewildered about this week?
Greetings from Aruba! Wow, I check my email half way around the globe, and here I am….right back talking about recovery with the guys that help me to see my life through there experiences! AMAZING!!! Congratulations John on making an incredibly hard, (and I’m sure somewhat painful) decision. What gifts we receive in application of 12 steps, if only we take the time to look.
So, the concept of “The Bewilderbeast” is so right for me…( thanks Joe K.) In the paragraph it says…” I think I have tried the way of faith and of no faith.” For me, in that sentence the word THINK is key. The reason I THINK faith is wanting or doesn’t work, is because it comes from ME! Once again, I am the authority.
Can’t write anymore…I need to take my daughter to the Butterfly farm now! See you all next week. Rob
Wow!!! I think if you stare at the picture for long enough you can actually see Joe K foraging for wild greens and mushrooms.
“The Bewilderbeast,” what a concept so much depth to the idea that I have found both the way of faith and the way of no faith disappointing. It reminds me of how calloused and apathetic I have become while dining on the greens of ego.
John you have helped to began to unravel the magic spell book by reading each line in first person. When I do this i am forced to find the points in life where each line can apply to me. My old character wants to quickly survey the previous three paragraphs and decide which ONE of those applies to me. Am I the SUBSTITUTOR
some how my comment was submitted before finishing
Am I the SUBSTITUTOR the DRIFTER or the BEWILDERBEAST?
The new character asks me to find the ways I am each one of these at any given moment..
Thanks a million!!!!
It is great that we can all stay in touch through this community we have here on this blog, whether we are down the street or a Carribean island. One of the greatest gift I have received from AA is the tools to help me make a decision. A decision with God hops me to go forward and not look over my shoulder. The producer called me this morning to see if I might change my mind. I got a chance to affirm my decision and trust that God’s got my back on this one. I can’t wait to see what happens on the path I have chosen!
OH YES!!! LOL! I love your “Sighted at meeting, horrifying creature! I am and have been the Bewildered one, or the Bewildered Beast. No way out, a bridge too far, without hope. Solid and formidable blocks. I’ve wished and prayed for a “Block Removal Service” 1-800-Bloc-RVL. I hope there is something that can be said to the drifter to lead him out of this very dark forest. A building process perhaps to an opening out into the sunlight.
Thanks for turning down that job John, I’d miss you a lot if you were gone. God is always there which ever direction I chose. God has for sure got your back.
For fun the other day I watched the “In Search Of” Big Foot episode from the 70′s.
Here is a link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3z0S2zPNP6s
I cannot confirm nor deny the existence, only my species hardwiredness for Myth and belief in something they can’t see, as a vital part of it’s character.
Jay, totally, munching wild greens and rooting for truffles the BewilderBeast was sighted. Loved your share. There is so much to see in this paragraph for me. “I think” is the clincher but in this old character I can’t imaging another reality.
Rob, YAY to you of the equatorial editorial butterfly farm goers association! It’s amazing to see these principals go global in my life and the lives of others. Touch one and get them all idea.
Yo Dad don’t burn your buns in the sun too bad! Your quips and insights are right on time even if you are 4 hours different and can smell the flavor of Venezuela in the trade wind! We look forward to receiving you at Scott’s, (Barley’s Piano Lounge).
I’m so happy I finally realized that I can read your blogs on my phone by simply pressing a button. I’m so glad I pressed it too. I enjoyed reading your blog. I too found myself bewildered today. Thinking to myself how much I have tried the way of faith and no matter how hard I try, my way doesn’t seem to happen, when I really need it to happen. I too am struggling with what seems like a million financial monkeys on my back. All due to the very fact of living in my will for so long. So for me it would seem so natural to take that job in Louisana. Your strength in faith and the power of your God knows on a deeper intuitive level you can’t travel the road you’ve been traveling any longer, you’ll keep getting the same results. Its so great to be reminded and surrounded by friends who WANT to walk the path of light and who deeply want change in their life. I found myself talking to myself today about how its all going to go away. Then I got an email where a deal will go through, one in which I have been intending to happen. All of a sudden I was lifted up, one less monkey off my back. I thanked God and the universe and once again I’m shown how indeed I am taken care of. All I have to do is keep the faith.
I’m so happy the light is coming on for you Jay. We are a lucky group of guys for sure to be surrounded by each other and the opportunities to grow as men here in the 21st Century. Reading the text in the first person is so important because I can’t see myself.
I remember asking KC the question in the Wednesday night meeting years ago, “What do you mean by self can’t reveal self to self?”. It sounded like such a mouthful and I really had no idea what he was talking about. It boiled down to the fact that alcoholism doesn’t want me to see myself. I need another alcoholic and their perspective to help me to see me. This is where the whole self-sufficiency thing has to be smashed. I must ask for help if I want to truly see who I am.
You and the other guys I am close to are an essential part of my sobriety. Without you, I can’t see me. In this way, we help each other. Who could design a system like that? It is true perfection.
Thanks Joe. Cool that you have a species hardwiredness for Myth and belief in something you can’t see – helps to make that leap of faith in coming to believe in a Power greater than you.
I am glad I turned down the job. I feel a sense of relief which means the decision was the right one. The calls are still coming in. This morning it was the DP, a friend of mine, wanting to know why I was abandoning him. God is making sure I know how to say “no” to things that at are not right. It has been a problem in the past. Taking jobs for money or because other people wanted me to. In the end, my friend gets it and I told him he could call me from New Orleans for weekly phone therapy sessions to help him through the war.
Hope you had a great meeting last night and I am looking forward to seeing you tonight!
Thanks Linda! I am so glad you posted a comment. We need the female perspective. I hope you keep pushing that button! Thanks for your great words. Your statement about me not traveling the road I’ve always travelled really hit home when I read it. This was a big decision, totally new character behavior. I am so grateful to have the tools to help me to make these kind of choices today and not be driven by the old character instinctual behavior.
Congrats on the deal going through! I can’t wait to hear all about it. This intention thing really does work! See you tonight….
“Fear of the future. Will I ever work again?? I really would rather teach. How am I ever going to change my situation? Why can’t I stop acting like that??” These are the cries of the “bewilderbeast” echoing through the dark forest of my mind, these cries leave me wandering in confusion. Just as the 12 X 12 an Big Book are the books of magic spells that dispel the voices in my head, I also have something that I cling to that controls my disease. I am aware that it conjures the bewilderbeast. I hate that the bewilderbeast is still alive in me. I beg for it to be taken from me and tht I be used for good, but something consumes me. Subconsciously I possess an instrument that used to release what used to seem like soothing music into my boiling mind. When I was drinking my old character used to only find solace and comfort in belligerence.
bel·lig·er·ence n
the quality of being hostile, ready to start a fight, or ready to go to war
Another word for belligerence is antagonism defined below.
an·tag·o·nism n
1. hostility or hatred causing opposition and ill will
2. opposition between forces or principles
3. the interaction between two or more chemical substances in the body that diminishes the effect each of them has individually
4. the opposing force that usually exists between pairs of muscles
Encarta® World English Dictionary © 1999 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.
I learned from my new friend Joe that this putrid music playing in my brain comes from a sacred savage instrument the “belligery-doo.” It sings in the minds of most of humans, but the alcoholic in me has no defense over its destructive tunes. It is full of melodies of destruction, doom, hostility, hatred and resentment all things that will kill me if I don’t realize that there is a better way, The twelve steps and principles contained in AA and hearing stories that you guys all share has illuminated a path out of the deep dark forest of my mind.
I have been obsessed with alcohol, ego and self for so long that my hands have grown arthritic around my “belligery-doo.” I recognized it’s familiar notes in John’s life as he talked about how he was going to have to make a decision about this current job offer using his new character and not his old.
Nothing and I mean nothing seems to be able to pry my precious “belligery-doo” from my possession except realizing that I am NOT lost and alone inside the hell that is my unsatisfied mind anymore. God has illuminated a path using each of your stories. Your honesty, openness and willingness to share shows me that can I have tools that will let me listen to God and a group of people as they grow. By realizing I am powerless to change on my own and finding the gift of willingness in my life today. I am changing. But only when I apply the “magic spells” and apply myself to searching the big book and 12 X12 while asking for yours and God’s help to change what I can. Today, I posses a small amount of assurance that today is good and God is leading.
I am dying a little bit, I am bewildered over not having enough time to respond with all that I want to over the definitions of antagonism. But I needed to connect a little. It’s awesome to see more posts here. I hope it grows. I will miss you all tonight. Joe, thanks for your email yesterday!!
How wonderful are we? Quite wonderful, I’d say. After all, the willingness, and dedication to get closer to our Creator also allows us to be more keenly aware of our shortcomings. After all, the closer I get to God, the more my flawed, sinful (if you will indulge this word, a Greek word pertinent to archery, for a “sin” meant to miss the target!) nature becomes apparent.
And the decision to do or not do a certain thing/job means an increased awareness/reliance upon God, but with it comes the bewilderment of the notion, “what if my decision is the wrong one?”
How fast I can go–nowhere.
I want to allow the recognition of my bewilderment to lead me to beautification. But the interplay of these two extremes is sometimes painfully apparent.
Thank you all for your kindness, to show your heart in words. . . How wonderful are we? Pretty darn wonderful, so say I.
Thanks for your insight Greg. I am just getting back to the computer after a busy 3 day weekend and a crashed i-phone (I have a new one now). Amazing how attached I am to the cell phone. It is my life line to friends, my work connection and now my blog and email connection when I am out and about. I am bewildered without it. Missed you guys last night!