Widening the Hoop

January 27th, 2010

The hoop is a lot wider than you think!

Today I’m bouncing back to Step 2 and looking at a paragraph that the Emotional Sobriety men’s group discussed several weeks ago, but one that I feel needs another look. This paragraph comes on the heels of my Savage State of Mind post and offers simple and practical applications that can help me come to believe and get me back on track.

The first paragraph on page 26 in the “12&12″ states:

At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs. This the newcomer thinks, is just about the last straw. This is the beginning of the end. And so it is: the beginning of the end of his old life, and the beginning of his emergence into a new one. His sponsor probably says, “Take it easy. The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think. At least I’ve found it so. So did a friend of mine who was a one-time vice-president of the American Atheist Society, but he got through with room to spare.”

The previous paragraph on the savage state of mind ended with a question: must I renounce all this to save myself? And now comes the solution, the escape from my savage mind and promises of a better life if I am willing to renounce. The recognition of my savage state of mind is essential for bringing me to this point, this juncture.

Once I am aware of my alcoholism, in a moment, I am at a crossroads. At this juncture I have a choice to go down the old path I’ve always gone down, or enter into a new life. This is a great definition of surrender, the end of the old and the beginning of the new, the letting go of all I think I know for a brand new experience. But doing in this on my own can be challenging because I have trouble seeing myself. That’s why I need a sponsor and A.A. friends. They can relate to my struggles and they don’t have the emotional attachment to them. That’s why they can laugh and say, “take it easy.”

The laughter is not at me, it’s with me. The laughter is because they have been there before and crossed through to the other side. Laughter is a principle, meaning no matter who applies it, we all get the same result. It’s universal. It changes the energy from the dark to the light, right now. It widens the hoop.

Coming to believe was a tiny little hoop for me. My childhood faith came into question when I was in high school and was destroyed when my father passed away when I was 18. I wasn’t the vice-president of the American Atheist Society, but my disbelief was about the same. Years of running on self-will and lots of self-righteousness when it came to religion helped me down the path of self-destruction.

I came into A.A. angry at God, and actually ran out the door at one of my first meetings because some guy tried to tell me that it was a spiritual program. Fortunately, the hoop was a lot wider than I thought. I even tried to run my own program in untreated alcoholism without a sponsor for 9 months and got to see how ugly that was. I was at a juncture by circumstance, a chance to experience the end of the old and the beginning of the new. I had nowhere else to go. I had to come to believe. The more I tried, the wider the hoop got.

Today, I have to squeeze through hoops all the time. The hoops are called struggles, struggles in relationships, struggles at work, struggles with family, struggles with friends, struggles with money. And that’s what I often try to do at first, squeeze. My old character is on auto-pilot. But I am building a new character based on spiritual principles in the 12 Steps and this new character has an awareness that there is an old life and a new life.

The new character has learned by repeated behavior how to widen the hoop and it all starts with the awareness that I am acting in old behavior. At this juncture, I can pick up the phone and call my sponsor. The hoop widens. I can call another alcoholic. The hoop widens. I can pause, get quiet, try talking to a Power other than me. The hoop widens. I can take out my journal and start writing about my struggle. The hoop widens. I can make a gratitude list instead of focussing on everything that is wrong in my life and the world. The hoop widens. I can go to a meeting. The hoop widens. I can laugh.

Check out some of my older posts on this paragraph: Widen the Hoop , Begin the New , The Principle of Laughter , and This Juncture

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Posted in Coming to Believe, Monday Night Take-Away, Step 2 | 4 Comments »

Give it to God

January 25th, 2010

Give it to God

In my last post on Pride, I mentioned that some members of our group felt pride could be a good thing and were struggling with the idea that it was so destructive. After reading all of your great comments on the pride topic, I felt the need to post a part 2 of sorts, especially after reading Bev B.’s comments where she addressed the positive side of pride:

“After finding only one positive definition of Pride- self respect- in a sea of “exalting oneself above others, superior”, definitions .. it seems a pretty dicey business full of fine lines to get at that “good pride” so maybe going for self acceptance and humility is a better bet rather than trying to “justify ” pride.”

You hit the nail on the head Bev! When this confusion over pride came up at the Emotional Sobriety meeting last week, I read two paragraphs from Step 10 that have always helped me with the proper use of pride. It starts on Page 91, last paragraph and continues with the first paragraph on page 92:

“Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.

Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against ‘big-shot-ism’ we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more his success than ours.”

The forward of the “12&12″ states that A.A.’s 12 Steps are a group of principles, meaning that they are all connected. I often find that connecting the dots from one paragraph to another, whether it’s in the same Step or another one, helps me to have a deeper understanding of the principles.

This first paragraph from Step 10 describes me when I am acting in pride. I don’t know how to handle good fortune or even compliments for that matter. The problem is, once I get some, I want some more. Hmmm, sounds like alcohol and drugs. I love the description that I am blinded by prideful self-confidence. Pride does not allow me to see myself. Pride is a total lack of humility.

The second paragraph offers a simple solution of what to do with pride: Give it to God. At the meeting, I shared a story about how these two paragraphs became  a part of my life. The only way these truths become a part of me instead of words in a book is when I touch them to a moment in my life in the day that I’m in. Most of the time, I need the help of another alcoholic to do this.

When I was ten months sober, I used to attend a big Sunday morning meeting in Hollywood with Michelle. It was a speaker meeting and the main speaker was always someone with over ten years of sobriety and oftentimes circuit speakers made appearances here. The first half of the meeting featured a speaker with less time, usually a member of the group. As we walked into the room that day, the secretary asked me if I wanted to be the first speaker. No! was my first reaction. There was usually 200-300 people there. And this was Hollywood! Rock stars and tattoos. I reluctantly gave in.

I don’t know what I said. I remember telling my story a little, then talking about my short but challenging journey in recovery so far. Afterwards, there was a huge line of people thanking me for my words. This was amazing! I was high as a kite on the complements. I floated out of the room. The rest of the day was amazing. The So Cal sky had never been bluer and I know that for a fact because that is exactly where my head was.

I called my sponsor and told him what had happened. He could hear the excitement in my voice and he asked me a simple question.

“Did you remember to thank God?”

God? What does God have to do with this, I thought. I told him no. He told me that pride was a dangerous place for an alcoholic to go and that when people thanked me, the best thing to do with that gratitude was to give it straight to God.

“They thank you, you thank God.”

Bummer. What about me? The wind was gone out of my sails for the rest of the day.

The next morning, I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a truck, or more appropriately, like I was hungover. This emotional hangover had come from an excess of pride in my own accomplishment. I called my sponsor again and he took me to these two paragraphs in Step 10 so that I could see through this specific experience how I had been blind-sided by pride.

Along with the truth about how pride worked in me as an alcoholic was a simple solution: Give it to God – any success I may be having is far more His success than mine. Practicing this principle of turning my success over to God requires what Bill W. refers to as exercising special vigilance. I have to keep a close eye on this pride thing, to monitor it with caution and each time I recognize it, give it to God.

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Posted in Pride, Principles, Step 10, Thursday Night Take-Away | 6 Comments »

The Secret Ingredient: Pride

January 23rd, 2010

Lured down the path by pride

It’s so good to be back in the flow. After traveling for work the first 2 weeks of the year, I was able to attend the Thursday night Emotional Sobriety meeting this week along with all the others who were willing to venture out in the rain. We’re funny about rain here in Southern California. We don’t see it much, so we don’t know quite what to make of it when it shows up, especially for 5 days straight.

This week, we talked about the last paragraph on page 48 in Step 4 of the “12&12″:

“To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let’s take a universally recognized list of major human failings – the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. It is not by accident that pride heads the procession. For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts. When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.”

What a mouthful! Chew on that for a while!

First off, I have to remember that I’m in Step 4 here. I have built a foundation with the first 3 Steps and I have a Power in my life that I call God whom I can bring into this paragraph to help me look deeper at myself. Not only that, I have also really contemplated and applied principles from the previous paragraphs in Step 4. These paragraphs have introduced me, step by step, to the instincts and how they function. They have helped me to find the “shoes that fit”, recognizing when I am a power driver and when I am a door mat.

Finally, I am in the midst of pondering the need for a list of my more glaring defects and this current paragraph is going to help me define what those defects are and how they function. We could spend months studying this paragraph!

“For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.” I remember reading this paragraph about 4 or 5 years ago and having this sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I still can see myself clearly in the moment, where I was sitting, what I was doing. I had read it before, many times actually, but on this particular occasion it set the alarms off. Was this the key to the kingdom? If so, what was doing buried in the middle of this paragraph? Why wasn’t it in bold print capital letters with arrows pointing at it.

I read it over and over. I grabbed a dictionary and looked up pride, self-justification, spurred, conscious, unconscious, fear, breeder. I called my sponsor and I could almost hear his smile on the other end of line when I told him that I had found a secret ingredient in the alcoholism recipe. He had had the same experience early in his recovery, but he reminded me that although this was a powerful and meaningful principle, we couldn’t forget that there are an unlimited number of reasons we drank and used and still continue to struggle with this disease. This principle was merely opening an important door to deeper insights. We talked for a long time. I wrote down the sentence and all the definitions and put the slip of paper in my wallet to carry with me and contemplate some more.

Time passed and I was still struggling with this whole instinct, fear, defect thing. I just couldn’t connect the dots and I was frustrated. I felt like my sponsor was speaking Chinese when he talked about all this stuff, but that if I could just make that leap between an intellectual understanding and a true knowing, I would feel some relief.

We were at my sponsor’s house one afternoon and I expressed my frustration once again. I asked him if he could give me a visual because my mind worked better with visuals and the magic of one alcoholic working with another unfolded right before my eyes once again.

He held his hand up high:

Defect

Then a little lower, below that:

Fear

Then lower still, below that:

Instinct

Bingo! When I act in a defect such as anger, there is a fear driving that defect. The fear can be conscious or even more dangerous, unconscious, meaning I am not even aware of it. Under the fear is an instinct for sex, security or society. My fear is that my instinct won’t be satisfied.

Someone says something at work that hints at the fact that I haven’t done my job right. I get angry and yell at them, a defect. Under my anger is a fear that my instinct for financial security won’t be satisfied because I’ll get fired and won’t have money to support my family. This all happens in a fraction of second and I’m not even aware of it. And then the secret ingredient, pride, steps in to justify my anger. How could I ever think that there isn’t plenty wrong with me about which plenty must be done if I am going to stay sober and live a good life.

There are many definitions of pride, including an excessively high opinion of oneself or abilities; conceit; arrogance; ego. But the one that Michelle gave me really has me thinking today: pride is about an identity made up. I have all these stories about who I am that I have made up and desperately need to protect. No wonder I have so much trouble making progress. Pride likes where I am and wants me to stay right there.

Our Take-Aways from the meeting were to take a look at pride and how it functions in me, how it leads to self-justification, how it causes me difficulty and blocks my progress. We also are looking for where we make demands on ourselves and others. Some members who had trouble seeing that pride was a negative thing are looking at what pride really means to them.

I’m barely scratching the surface here so I really hope to hear comments from all of you on what you discover in contemplating this paragraph.

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Posted in Defects, Instincts, Pride, Step 4, Thursday Night Take-Away | 9 Comments »

A Savage State of Mind

January 18th, 2010

Is the beauty in the mountains or is it in me?

Both Emotional Sobriety meetings have been amazing over the past month, the men’s group continuing to look at Step 2 and the coed group working its way through Step 4. I would like to say that I will write posts about all that has transpired over this time, but that wouldn’t be realistic. As a matter of fact, that would be a good example of alcoholism, over-scheduling myself. So I will write about what inspires me which is always the best way to go.

The 2nd paragraph on page 25 of the “12&12″ was the subject of one of our recent Monday meetings:

“Let’s look first at the case of the one who says he won’t believe – the belligerent one. He is in a state of mind which can be described only as savage. His whole philosophy of life, in which he so gloried, is threatened. It’s bad enough, he thinks, to admit alcohol has him down for keeps. But now, still smarting from that admission, he is faced with something really impossible. How he does cherish the thought that man, risen so majestically from a single cell in the primordial ooze, is the spearhead of evolution and therefore the only god that his universe knows! Must he renounce all this to save himself?”

I don’t walk around with the conscious thought that I am risen so majestically  from the primordial ooze and that I am the spearhead of evolution, but when I get into this state of mind they call belligerent and savage, that is exactly what I am doing. I won’t believe in God because I am making all the decisions for my life. The reason that this is a savage philosophy is that I have proven that I am a complete failure at deciding what to think and how to act. I just have to look at my track record to see that this kind of thinking led me straight to Alcoholics Anonymous where I am forced by circumstance to ask for help on how to live.

Belligerent means of warlike character, aggressively hostile, combative, quarrelsome, antagonistic.

Savage means fierce, ferocious, or cruel, enraged or furiously angry, unpolished; rude

On the surface, the A.A. literature is talking about my behavior. But like all spiritual books, below the surface of the words, they are really talking about my state of mind. Luckily, this paragraph uses those actual words – a state of mind which can be described only as savage. We talk about the alcoholic mind in our meetings and this is exactly what they are referring to here. I am savage in my thoughts, my thoughts about you and even more damaging, my thoughts about myself.

I had a great example of savage thinking happen just recently. I was working on a commercial project for a week, a logistically challenging job in the snow, but nothing new that I hadn’t encountered before. My boss was stressed to max, under the pressure to deliver what he had promised. I could see he was struggling on the inside and that inside struggle was turning outward toward others in anger, impatience, frustration.

Emotional Sobriety is all about right reactions to people in situations in my life. The trouble for me this particular day was that I was trying to run my day on self-will and my previous experience in these situations and it wasn’t working. I had a challenge equal to that of my boss and defects flowed from me just as easily as they did from him. I couldn’t just allow him to feel his own feelings and let him process things in his own way. Of course I wasn’t even aware of all of this while I was in it. I went back to the hotel that night, exhausted and pissed off.

The next morning I woke up with a raging headache, still angry and even more irritated. Fortunately, I have tools to deal with situations like this now, a method in the 12 Steps and a Power I call God. I wrote in my journal, getting my anger and frustration out, then got quiet. In the stillness, the truth about what had happened the day before was revealed. I was mirroring my bosses savage thinking and behavior. Despite much previous experience working in these conditions, I had doubted my own abilities. I was tearing myself apart on the inside. I  had tried to savagely run my day on self-will.

I took this new perspective and a sense of relief from seeing myself into the new day. My boss had not changed at all and we were filming in the same location under the same circumstances. What was different on this day, however, was me. I asked God to come with me, to help me detach from others, to be of service to my boss and co-workers, to notice the beauty of the mountains all around me.

My experience in an identical situation was completely different as a result. I had a great day and the only thing that had changed was my perspective. There was a noticeable difference between savage, alcoholic thinking and positive thinking that came from a Power greater than me. My new perspective even managed to change my boss who gradually saw things in a new light for himself and started smiling and having fun the second half of the day.

One of the principles to apply from this paragraph is to become aware of when I get into this savage state of mind. The awareness opens a door for a Power to come in. Post a comment and let us know what you discover.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Confronted With A Dilemma

December 26th, 2009

Heading toward the light

Recently, The Emotional Sobriety men’s group moved into to Step 2 as we took a good look at the first paragraph on page 25 of the “12&12″:

“Step Two. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The moment they read Step Two, most A.A. newcomers are confronted with a dilemma, sometimes a serious one. How often have we heard them cry out, ‘Look what you people have done to us! You have convinced us that we are alcoholics and that our lives are unmanageable. Having reduced us to a state of absolute helplessness, you now declare that none but a Higher Power can remove our obsession. Some us won’t believe in God, others can’t, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle. Yes, you’ve got us over the barrel, all right – but where do we go from here?’”

Before contemplating this paragraph, it is important to remember where I just came from. Step 1 ended with a paragraph that leaves me with no place left to go because I am under the lash of alcoholism and have discovered the fatal nature of my situation. This discovery has left me in a state in which my mind is open, I am willing to listen and ready to do anything to lift the merciless obsession. If I am truly in this state of surrender, I will be thrown full force into Step 2. If I’m not there yet, it just means that I have more searching to do.

This state of mind in which I come full speed into Step 2 is referred to in this paragraph as being over the barrel. This phrase reflects the helplessness of my situation, the truth that I am convinced that I am an alcoholic and that my life is unmanageable. As we have seen in Step 1, the disease of alcoholism centers in my mind rather than my body, so the life they are talking about is my thought life. Being convinced of this was a key factor in this critical first Step and this convinced state is where I must return to each time I get into a struggle in recovery.

So now we are faced with a dilemma, meaning a situation in which a choice must be made between alternative courses of action. The two courses of action are either alcoholism or a program of recovery. In my case, the alternative courses of action I have today in recovery are defined by my old character and my new character. My old character is the one I brought to A.A., the one who drank and used, the one who has alcoholism and sees the world in a negative light even years after the booze is out of my system. My new character is the one who is coming to believe in a Power greater than me, that lives a life built on spiritual principles and can see the good all around me.

When I first arrive here in A.A. and for a period of time, my dilemma is whether to keep on going with what I have always done, or come to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity. As we will see later in Step 2, sanity is defined as soundness of mind. It doesn’t mean I am insane, just that my mind has unsound thoughts. If my thoughts are unsound, doesn’t it make sense that I might need to ask for help?

The trouble is, when I do ask for help, my dilemma deepens as I come up against all kinds of blocks that keep from bringing a Power into my life. Like so many others, I came to A.A. with a whole history of issues around God. I grew up in a Catholic family. We went to church every Sunday and I was even an alter boy for several years. In high school, I began to question what I was being told about God and religion. I saw cracks in the story and when my father died shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I used that opportunity to exit the building. I became defiant and self-righteous when it came to God and religion and over the following years began to doubt that there even was a God at all.

This was the guy that came into A.A., one that could actually be defined by all three of the types presented in this paragraph:

  1. The one who won’t believe in God
  2. The one who can’t believe in God
  3. The one who believes God exists, but has no faith whatever He will perform this miracle for me

Where do I go from here? Questions like this are designed to open up my mind. Instead of telling me where to go, they are asking me so that I can contemplate the dilemma for myself. Even once I come to believe in a Power greater than me and learn to call that Power God, I am still faced with this same dilemma on a daily basis. It happens when I take it all back and run my life on the power of self, deciding exactly how to think and how to act. Each time I do this, I am blocking a Power from coming into my life. But the good news is that this puts me in the position of making a choice which course of action to take: my own, or the one that helps me come to believe.

Our takeaway from the meeting and this paragraph was to become aware of when I was in a dilemma and to notice how at different times, I can be the one who won’t believe, the one who can’t believe and the one who doesn’t believe God will help me. Take a look for yourself and post a comment to share your experience.

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Posted in Monday Night Take-Away, Power Greater Than Me, Step 2 | 2 Comments »

Emotional Sobriety Holiday Meeting Schedule

December 23rd, 2009

PinkChristmas_JohnWildermuth

Just a quick note to those of you in the LA area who may not have been at last Thursday’s meeting. Here is the Emotional Sobriety group schedule for the Holidays:

Thursday, December 24th – Christmas Eve meeting 8-9:30pm at our usual spot, Faith Presbyterian Church, Main Hall

Monday, December 28th – Men’s Meeting 8-9:30pm, Faith Presbyterian Church, Patio Room

Thursday, December 31st – Special New Years Eve meeting and pot luck dinner at Paige’s House. Meeting 8-9:30pm followed by the potluck. I am not posting info here since it is in a private home so please contact me directly for info and directions. There will be no meeting in the Main Hall this night.

Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope to find time in the next few days to post some new stuff!

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Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

Under The Lash of Alcoholism

December 13th, 2009
Come into the light with a new awareness of Alcoholism

Come into the light with a new awareness of Alcoholism

The Monday night Emotional Sobriety men’s group is going to finish our review of Step 1 tomorrow night and 2 weeks ago we dug into the last paragraph on page 24 of the “12&12″:

“Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.”

This short paragraph is the bridge from Step 1 to Step 2 and therefore a key to my success in recovery, not just in the beginning, but everyday. The reality is, unless I know what I am truly up against, I will never come to believe in a Power greater than myself. This goes for me not only when I first get sober, but over and over again each time I am whipped by the disease of alcoholism.

I love that they use the word alcoholism here. They don’t say under the lash of alcohol, they say under the lash of alcoholism. The ism means that it is alive and functioning in me right now, whether I am drinking or not. The ism is what they talk about on page 25 of the Big Book when they tell me the disease centers in my mind rather than my body. The ism is what we have been talking about on Monday nights in Step 1, starting with the idea in the first paragraph that I have a warped mind.

The fatal nature of my situation is that the disease of alcoholism centers in my mind rather than my body. That means that once the alcohol and drugs are out of my system, I still have a mental obsession to think the way I have always thought. Step 1 has been helping me to discover the truth about how the disease functions in me. It is all about awareness, about recognizing my alcoholism as this living malady.

As serious as this may sound, and it is because my life is on the line, they use the word discover in relation to my fatal situation. Discover is a word that is used a lot throughout this book. Discover means to make known or visible, to obtain sight or knowledge of for the first time. As an alcoholic, I want it all and I want it now, but discover means it will be revealed over a period of time. My desire to find it will determine whether it is a short time or a long time. And for me discover also means it’s an adventure.

So each time I lash out at others, I can recognize that I am in the disease. That recognition drives me to A.A. and by A.A. it could be a meeting, a phone call to another alcoholic or the print that offers solutions and a design for living in all the 12 Steps. My own personal experience has been that talking with a sponsor who can offer guidance on my particular situation has always given me the relief I need. When I am in the midst of my struggles and I pick up the phone to ask for help, I am in that place where I am capable of open-mindedness and willing to listen to his advice.

The principle of listening has become one of the pillars of my recovery and I was introduced to it by my sponsor in this paragraph. Like a gratitude list, listening is a go-to principle that I can practice anytime, anywhere. My sponsor told me to go to A.A. meetings and ask a Power to help me to listen. When, I did this I realized that I didn’t know how to listen on my own. I would sit in a meeting and my mind would be anywhere else but there. I was thinking about yesterday or tonight or rehearsing what I was going to say when it was my turn to share.

But by asking a Power to help me, I am able to be in the present moment and hear what is being said. I started practicing the listening principle when I was with friends and at work and I began to hear what they were really saying. Listening to others also helped me to hear myself. I began to recognize that I was often negative and judgmental, that I used words like, “I always”, “I never”, “should” and “shouldn’t”. I used a lot of obscenities too. It was a huge revelation. I was taught that my vocabulary was important, that my thoughts and words created my life.

This new awareness through listening also became an introduction to meditation. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I can pause and just listen. Sitting in my home in the morning, I suddenly hear a car drive by, a dog barking, a plane flying overhead, the gardener mowing the lawn down the street, the hum of the refrigerator. It quiets my mind and brings me into the present moment.

The last sentence in the paragraph is the final component which rockets me into Step 2 and a Power greater than myself. I stand ready to do anything which will life the merciless obsession from me. Anything. In order to stand ready, I must be made ready and each paragraph that has come before this one has been part of the process of making me ready. If I am not willing to do anything to lift the merciless obsession of my alcoholic mind, then something is missing.

That’s okay. It just means I need to back up and ask a Power the simple question:

“Power (or God if that works for you) can you help me to see my warped mind today?”

Ready or not, here it comes!

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Posted in Monday Night Take-Away, Step 1, The ism | 5 Comments »

Diamonds In The Rough

December 12th, 2009

SilverLining_JohnWildermuth

I found the following passage in the preface of one of my favorite spiritual books, Emmet Fox’s “Sermon on the Mount.” This book has been a crucial part of my coming to believe in a Power greater than me, one of the tools of my search and research again and again always with the open mind principle from Step 2. It just hit me today that this is exactly what we are doing in our Emotional Sobriety groups and here on this blog. I have substituted the “12&12″ for “the Bible”. Obviously, you can also substitute “The Big Book” or any other spiritual book and the result will be the same:

“The study of the 12 & 12 is not unlike the search for diamonds in South Africa. At first people found a few diamonds in the yellow clay, and they were delighted with their good fortune, even while they supposed that this was to be the full extent of their find.

Then, upon digging deeper, they came upon the blue clay, and, to their amazement, they then found as many precious stones in a day as they had previously found in a year, and what had formerly seemed like wealth faded into insignificance beside the new riches.

In your exploration of the 12 & 12 Truth, see to it that you do not rest satisfied in the yellow clay of a few spiritual discoveries, but press on to the rich blue clay underneath. The 12 & 12, however, differs from the diamond field in the sublime fact that beneath the blue clay there are more and still more and richer strata, awaiting the touch of spiritual perception – on and on to Infinity.

As you read the 12 & 12, you should constantly affirm the Divine Wisdom is enlightening you. That is the way to get direct inspiration.”

Oh, and have you noticed lately what color both “The Big Book” and the “12&12″ are? Blue. Keep digging…..

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Posted in Spiritual Awakening | 4 Comments »

Ah, ah, ah, ah Staying Alive, Staying Alive

December 8th, 2009
Raising the bottom means recognizing the beauty all around me

Raising the bottom is recognizing beauty all around me

The Monday night Emotional Sobriety Men’s Step study group is in the midst of an overview of Step 1. Each time we reach the end of a Step, the format calls for an overview where we can talk about any of the principles contained in the Step or ask questions. This gives me the opportunity to catch up with a post today about the 1st paragraph on page 24 of  the “12&12″:

“Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first?The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.’s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect – unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.”

Alcoholics tend to be rule breakers and I am no exception. We are so fortunate to have a program of recovery that is structured the way A.A. is, with no rulers and only suggested guidelines. So us rebels are eased into a program that allows us to just be present with other alcoholics at meetings because there is only one requirement, the desire to stop drinking. That desire can only be measured by the individual. This requirement allows everyone in the door and allows them to stay.

But amongst all this freedom are specific requirements and musts. Even the word suggestion is tricky. It means subtle command. This paragraph has a whole list of them, starting with the must of hitting bottom first. I don’t have to do these things. Remember, I just need to have a desire to stop drinking. I can just be sober and remain a self-centered, average alcoholic. Actually, that doesn’t sound so attractive to me. I don’t want to be average anything.

The previous paragraphs have talked about hitting bottom and raising the bottom so it hits me, so I don’t have to go through years of literal hell. Now, they make a very important statement, let’s call it a principle, meaning it is true for me and you each and every time. Just to get my attention and make sure I really contemplate it, they present the principle in the form of a question and answer: Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. I will only sincerely practice the A.A. program once I first hit bottom.

The bottom in my drinking and using was easy to see and I was surely willing to do whatever it took to stay sober when I first came in the door. But what about today? Where’s the bottom in recovery, today, with time? Do I need to go way down and have a defect of character smack me the face before I am sincere about practicing my A.A. program? Or can I adopt some attitudes and actions by running through the checklist of questions presented in this paragraph to see where I stand in my recovery.

Am I being rigorously honest and tolerant?

Am I confessing my faults to my sponsor or sober friends and making amends for harms done?

Am I  continuing to build my relationship with a Higher Power?

Did I pray and meditate this morning?

Will I sacrifice time and energy in carrying the message to my fellow alcoholics today?

What an order! I can’t go through with it! But if I don’t, it brings me back to just being the guy sitting in meetings, staying sober and wondering why my life doesn’t change. Now they tell me I won’t do any of this stuff unless I recognize that I have to in order to stay alive. It is hard for me to connect to staying alive in the literal sense because I am alive and I didn’t kill myself with the drugs and alcohol.

So maybe I need to take a look at what staying alive means to be today in recovery by bringing the principle of raising the bottom into this paragraph. When I do this, I realize that alive can mean happy. Alive can mean comfortable in my own skin. Alive can mean seeing the positive things in my life rather than the negative. Alive can mean healthy relationships. Alive can mean doing what I love as a career instead of suffering in a job I hate. In other words, I need to raise the bottom on what it means to be alive. I can no longer feel comfortable just hanging in there, baby.

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Posted in Monday Night Take-Away, Raising The Bottom, Step 1 | 3 Comments »

The True Nature Of My Malady

December 6th, 2009
Shedding a light on my alcoholism

Shedding a light on my alcoholism

The Monday night Emotional Sobriety Men’s Step study meeting just reached the end of Step 1 in the “12&12″, but I have a few paragraphs to write about before I catch up to them. So I’m going to back up to the last paragraph on page 23:

“It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. to the doubters we could say, ‘Perhaps you’re not an alcoholic after all. Why don’t you try some more controlled drinking bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?’ This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was them discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, ‘Maybe those A.A.’s were right….’ After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us. John Barleycorn himself had become our best advocate.”

There’s way too much here to tackle in one blog post so I’m hoping you all post comments about what you see in this paragraph. First of all, they are talking about raising the bottom. It’s easy to look at this paragraph from yesterday, from my drinking history. There is no doubt that I was out of control years before I realized it. But I just celebrated my 7 year sober birthday yesterday and I need principles that can help me today, right now.

To me, raising the bottom is one of the most important factors of emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety is all about right emotional reaction to whatever is happening in my life today. I have a mind powered disease called alcoholism and I need solutions on a moment to moment basis. Step 2 talks about the method of substitution. When I look at these words from where I stand today, I can substitute drinking with thinking and years with days, hours or minutes. By going back in my own thinking history, I can show that days/hours/minutes before I realized it I was out of control, that my thinking even then was no mere habit, it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. This is why awareness is such a key principle in Step 1. When I become aware of my thoughts, I begin to recognize my alcoholism when I get off track. With that awareness, I can go back in my thinking history from the last few hours or days to see that my habit of negative thinking has been a fatal progression, that my outburst of anger didn’t just appear out of nowhere.

This is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to discovering the true nature of my malady. Discovering is the perfect word because to me it represents a journey. The true nature of my malady (disease of the mind) doesn’t just hit me all at once like a white-light experience. It unfolds through my experience in recovery, starting with the simple request: “God, or Power, can you show me my warped mind today?” Ready or not, here it comes! Every time I make that request, I get shown example after example in my own behavior. This is my mission in Step 1, no matter how much time I have. I must discover the true nature of my malady or I will never ask for help. Then, once I discover it in myself, my job is to plant it your mind as well. This is a great kicking off point when working with other alcoholics.

Powerless, warped mind, bankrupt, bled of all self-sufficiency, absolute humiliation, devastating weakness, revolter, victim of a mental obsession and compulsion, smitten by an insane urge and an allergy of the body, can’t recover on my own resources, difficulty in recognizing my hopelessness, less desperate alcoholic. Even with all the information that has been handed to me in the preceding paragraphs about the true nature of my malady, I can still be a doubter. I think that this is just about being sober and that all I have to do is not drink or use.

Again, I can substitute thinking for drinking and try some more controlled thinking, bearing in mind what I have learned about alcoholism. It doesn’t say alcohol. It says alcoholism, the malady, the mind powered disease. As soon as I try to think on my own, without a Power, it won’t be long before I am off track again, back in my familiar world of negative thinking where I can only see everything that is wrong in my life and in the world. This is what they mean by immediate and practical results. My lack of power to see my world in a good light is proof once again of what I am truly up against.

Following every spree (unrestrained outburst – oh boy, that’s a familiar!), I get to return convinced that you A.A.’s were right when you told me I was up against more than alcohol and drugs. John Barleycorn, which is a representation of alcohol from an English folk song, in this case represents my spree into alcoholic thinking. The alcoholic thinking becomes an advocate or asset because it shows me once again what the true nature of my malady is. If I don’t experience this for myself, I will never be convinced.

Recently, a sober friend told me that he was really seeing that he was a doubter and that even with all this information about the malady of alcoholism, he still wasn’t convinced. Twenty years of in and out wasn’t enough. There was still the thought that he could run his own life, that just needed to stay sober and maybe someday he’d even be able to drink again. I told him he was in a great place, that admitting that opened the door for him to see some new truths about himself and the disease. “Try some more controlled thinking and let me know how it goes,” I suggested. He laughed, convinced if only for the moment.

Like all of these solutions, I can only be convinced in the moment I am in. It’s a living disease and it needs living applications.

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Posted in Emotional Sobriety, Monday Night Take-Away, Step 1, The ism | No Comments »

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